iιια ιααян : wastebin full of paper

2011 in a glance

2012-01-24T21:43:00.001+08:00

I know. I know. 2012 is already here and it's almost February.

Been putting off blogging because I tend to get REAL emotional at the beginning and lose interest half way.

I think I may have, what do they call it? A D... Hey look twitter replies.............

2011 of what I can remember...

spa retreat with baby as a belated birthday treat.

We also went off to Genting & KL, just the two of us. Had a blast...!! Did fall sick, really sick but refused to acknowledge it. Got a earful from Fad because we wasted not doing anything adventurous since I was too weak. Enjoyed having his attention all to myself, I must say. Heh

Work work work.

I lost a friend, Ana. We may not be real friends but I really was heart broken. it may be random tweets we posts but through that I felt like I know her. we met twice, once to get the tix to Pitbull from a twitterer. And the other when we actually went Pitbull.

I lost my grandfather. He has been sick for a few years. He is one of the strongest person I know. he is the power grandfather. He is only one person yet all of his grandchildren remember him sending or fetching us from school.

I never lost anyone so dear and close to me. When I lost him, I didn't know how to react. I sat on my bed that morning after I received the news and didn't cry. Just stunned.

But as I see him out of life that he was once full of, I cried.

we had a small celebration for my daughter's 6th birthday. I realize family is everything. My aunts, my mom lost a dad but still made an effort to give my lil girl a cake. Gave her all the love and warmth.

also, we lost our cat, Comot. Mom was devastated. Comot had been with us for 8 years+. He was like my mom's little baby and our brother. manja like mad. There is always food for comot but no food for us. Hahaha. Joke. Even though he is sometimes a pain to clean after, he is always around when I'm lonely and sad.

There is this little neat trick he does. When I say Kiss, he will tilt his head towards my lips. He's very tame. Never ran away. If he did go out to stretch his legs, he could open the house door on his own and let himself in.

I begin to question my future. The answer I received hurt me even though I knew it.

I have everything I want but.. I couldn't have this one. I hold strong to my beliefs and know what I want.

This thing shook all of that.

Torn and still am.

ushered in the new year with baby. year after year we always celebrated NYE on our own but this year, babes was in Singapore. even though it was a NYE party I felt like it's just another party.

Just another day.

Just another month.

Just another year.

2011 taught me to expect the unexpected..

what's next? :)

Its the age

2011-09-21T13:43:00.003+08:00

I dont know how am I going to type this out without hurting the other party or myself. I don't want to hint, I just want my thoughts out.

I read an article online that would touch Single parents in Singapore. And wow-ed my pants off. Its true true true.
you can find the link here: 15 things a single mom in singapore should know

It hit jackpot.

Especially the part on Child Maintenance. Was it worth the emotional turmoil?

Its depressing, frustrating and downright annoying to chase Burn for Child Maintenance.

Best thing about all this? EVERYONE thinks I have to. HE HAS TO GIVE. Why am i giving him face and "refusing" any money from him. Why am I not doing anything until recently? What happen to it now?

Excuse me, it drains me out to actually chase him for money. I am not refusing. HE CAN'T AFFORD. He is, for goodness sake, under warrant arrest for what? 3 months plus now? And fucking cantonment nor the police can do anything. He is not staying his registered address. I hate to force the forces to knock on his mom's place and demand where he is because he didn't pay maintenance. His mom did ENOUGH and I don't want to bother her. I respect her.

Does anyone know how I feel about this? It is DEPRESSING. FRUSTRATING.

Worst of all, he still has the rights to visit... Not that he actually care to. My parents would eat him up if he came to our doors after the drama the last time.

When am I going to have the full custody of the child? Here, take my shoes, walk in it.

Alright, I am not the only single mother in the world with problems, but here have my shoes, I want to see how you'd do it.

There are thousands of us in singapore. And each of us has a different story. Fuck the nagging about how we had ourselves in this so we have to jolly well know how to handle it.

All those talk about being a modern world and how the modern world accepts a single parent is BULLSHIT.

Enough about judging the world as it is. I can't change people's perception.

If you need help, go ask for it.

The ego in me says I can do this. I can. I CAN. Yes a help would do good. Help needs papers, documentation, swearing and 3 months waiting time (if you are lucky. and whatever happen to the Hope scheme i applied for??)

Boy, that got me going on for awhile. The post wasnt about all THAT. BUT BOY THAT WAS A LOT OF FRUSTRATION. before i go on, BURN had the cheek to actually comment on the pictures of Nuryna in the hospital and I WANTED TO COMMENT WHAT I HAD IN MIND. but i dont want it go against me in the future, say, if anything happens.

What is this about...

OH. Its the age.

So. Friends and I have been talking about the future. Because its the age.

Few of them are going to get married. In short of a year or two.

I'm happy for them. Really I am.

Bit envious but hey, every girl wants to get married.

So when was my turn?

A friend and I had a long talk about this. She stopped me from saying, "i've been married. I've done marriage.." I am young. Young enough to start anew. So when is my turn.

Quite honestly, no, I am not ready.

Sadly now, I haven't found the right one.

The Right One for me not only has to be handsome (COUGHCOUGH) (goodlooking, ok?), has a stable job but has to accept my daughter too.

OHHHH, I know guys who have told me that yes, he would accept a daughter that isn't his. He LOVE kids. I pushed all that away with a snort and even laughed out loud. Fuck it, that was sweet talk. Even I know that.

I met someone who was real, who didn't do promises, who made me laugh, who made me believe there is love. But laugh and love is not enough, I need.. stressing on need, someone who can accept a daughter that isn't his.

It tore me apart even though I knew somewhere along that it couldn't work out. But a heart break is still heart break. I am in denial but not working to demolish it. I am not hoping for a miracle. I am not hoping for anything. Because I know it can't work out and I am not going to force it.

I cried obviously. And I am not even near done crying.

What happen after this?

I refuse to acknowledge it. I refuse to say it out loud. I can't. I know I have to but I can't. My mind says do it but my heart just tore apart and trigger tears and I couldn't bring myself to it.

But I promised Nuryna that I would NEVER never leave her. I brought her to this world, I am her Mother. I am never never going to leave her.

Genting Day 1 - 190711

2011-09-05T20:02:00.000+08:00

Genting Day 1

I got my chance to send Nuryna to school before our trip. Which made me quite happy because I won't be seeing her for the next 5 nights.
Fad fetch me after much "discussion" if it's cheaper to share a cab (I'm not "on the way" to the airport frm his place) or to have two cabs and just meet at the airport. I'm guessing I'm right about sharing but he'll never admit.
We checked in as Fad smartly wheeled his 10kg+ bag away from the weighing machine.
We then quickly had breakfast, he swallowed his McMuffin and I had a Happy Meal. :)

Quick smoke before flight!

Got our duty-free cigarettes. YEA! We wondered how we going to finish them all but hell, it was cheap.

fad, "from east coast we see the boats all lined up properly but in fact they are very messy.."

Flew a short flight to LCCT and catch the next bus out to KL Sentral.

Fad fell asleep while I tried to but couldn't. I got shocked by this creepy kid who was staring at us half of the time.
We reached KL Sentral and had quick lunch at Subway.

I got ourselves Famous Amos to munch in the bus while Fad got us a prepaid card. It took the sales person an AWFUL LONG time to activate the card. I was starting to get panicky that we might miss our bus.

We did catch the bus in time though. Fad got himself occupied to activate broadband on mobile w the prepaid card. I believe it was Maxis. He spent RM15 for 1 week worth of broadband mobile. We thought we won't be calling much and we can whatsapp/ twit/ facebook family members. (ah, internet)

Upon reaching the Skyway, we took our own sweet time up but still was greeted with a LOOONGGG queue for the ride up to Genting!

We slumped away in the queue and was thoroughly entertained by Hong Kong tourists who was very, VERY fascinated by an Iranian baby girl who was just in front of us.
Fad and I agreed that there was nothing too special about her except fair skin, curly hair and big (black) eyes. (we'd give extra points if she had blue eyes. )

Coo-ing adorable baby was normal but they went to the EXTREME!
They stared, pointed, took out their cameras, phones to take photos of the girl and even tried their luck to carry the child!

Lucky for them, the parents of this girl didn't find it too annoying or did the child got cranky with the queue or the sudden attention that was given to her.

I wouldn't be a happy parent if it happen to my child. I mean, wtf, my child is not public display. Yes, flattered that they find her adorable but please, GTFO.
And I'll make a racket if i was the baby. Firstly, when was the queue going to end, secondly, why the fuck are they making annoying noises? (In my mind I was already making a racket for the exact same reasons)

We finally got into the cable-car and it was a long ride up with zombies.
We were glad to get our bags off our backs and started taking photos of the "scenery". Fad started to wave to the cabins that was on the opposite way and we tried to see how many waved back. Only one person awkwardly waved back.

We rushed up to First World because we have to get our hotel voucher before they closed at 5pm. Remember Fad got us the rooms at S$3/night and we need to redeem the vouchers to get our room!

It has been quite a long travel and I WANT TO REST!
We got back and forth between counters but finally got to the "travel agent & group" check-in
room. We were quite thankful we didn't have a line in front of us.

I asked for a room in the new tower and Fad tried to ask for a room on a higher floor. We got ourselves Double bed instead of Twin (YEA! because I don't want to sleep alone!!) and a room on the 8th floor of Tower 2!

We scurried off in search of our room and firstly thought it was far from the attractions. I got bit guilty because I asked for the new tower. HURHUR.

Of course, I kept my mouth shut, Fad wasn't within earshot when I asked for the new tower. If he finds out it was this smarty-pants who asked for the new tower and we were far from all the attractions, I was going to get an earful.

We got into our room and pleased to find out that it was spacious and clean.
We didn't have much of a view but we had a fridge and a safebox. Who needs greenery when we can chill drinks?? The shower had curtains and there was a fan! (Not in the shower la, in the room) Later we found out we didn't need much fan as it was pretty cold in the mornings.

Duty paid cigarettes. ISAP LA KORANG.

We freshen up, wore our ridiculously-thick-for-singapore-weather-but-awesomely-cool-jackets and went out to explore the place.

We soon found out that our room was indeed in a very convenient place. We were in Level 8 of the hotel but Level 3 of the Theme park. Fad got us the tickets for the indoor theme park and we wandered around for rides.

The child in us came out and we went around riding kiddy/family rides. I have to admit I had fun. HAHAHA. We made fun of most of the rides.

favourite. :)
step mane peh sejuk entah
had RM1K in his wallet but all he wanted was ubi. AND FORCED ME TO EAT AND FORCED ME TO LIKE IT. HMPH
Autobots

instead of posing w me he posed with the little girl behind.

we had fun rocking the boat... HAHAHAHAH

tourist-y enough? HAHAH

We tried to ride every possible ride before Glitz starts. But we went back up to our room before Glitz starts so I changed to a dress. MUAHAHA. Girly much??

We were early for the show (WOW) and unfortunately we left our camera upstairs. BUT THANX TO GALAXY SII we camwhored while waiting for the show.

The show was ok. I liked the sand magic part. It was interesting how she created images by using just sand.

We got out feeling hungry and bored. We heard a live band so babes decide that we should chill because we had a LONG day and this was suppose to be a holiday. ♥

sad because they didnt play the songs fad requested.
We got back to our room and before you could spell Genting, we were fast asleep.....

Day 2 up next. HUAHUA..

Syawal 2011

2011-08-31T22:16:00.002+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya to all.

And it seem like this year we are wearing the "right"colour!

BLUE! WEEEE~

well thanks to Nuryna.

i think i overdid the lipstick.

Shaken

2011-08-22T04:52:00.004+08:00

FUCKING SHIT.

I do the sweetheart talk! I always do.

I am caught off guard by a question and is still shaken.

It has been in my mind quite recently. I wanted to ask. And when the question was posed to me instead I wondered if this was for real.

SPEECHLESS. AND SHAKEN.

You should see my face now.

I am in between happy and scared. A look of :S

This is what happen when we joke too much, I didnt know if I should take him seriously. Until I read twitter (bagus gitu?) And when I did, I was like Oh.

I did tell him the truth. Which would still save my romantic soul, say if it was random. It was logical answer

Oh dear God, save me from getting my heart broken.

I'm serious.

I do. You know I do.

Backing up my Whatsapp..

Boy.. You really know how to surprise me..................................

ps/ i editted this post 4 times.

Excuse me, this is MY diary

2011-08-22T03:09:00.003+08:00

oh for fuck sake, I dont know when I am going to finish blogging about KL. ITS THE UPLOADING that pisses me off.

I'm actually feeling grumpy. Scrolling Facebook and going, "bitch. Who cares. WTF. Whatever. So what. Whiner." Didn't make me feel better but the thoughts that this people don't know what I was saying made me smile.

I guess I probably have to let this out...
I need to find a new job.
I wanted a better pay to support myself and Nuryna. But I have no time for her nowadays and it is eating me up. She can only read with help, still using her pampers at night and struggling with spelling.

STRUGGLING.
Oh how that word stabbed me so hard. Mom went to tell me that she isn't coping in school and she needs my attention. She is not paying attention in class and often day-dreaming away.

Do you know how i felt when I am told this? You might as well slap me hard on the face.
I am told that I am not doing my job as a mother, is that it? It is it, isn't it? What else could it be?

Do not compare my child with any other children but every other parent WANTS their child to be the best.
And I feel that I am not doing my part.

I asked Mom if I should find a new job and she thought I was being rude and sarcastic to her. I am asking for her opinion and she went, "There are many parents out there who works shift and still spend time with their children. I am not asking you to quit your job, I am letting you know that she needs your attention."

I feel trapped.
With work being so busy and low on manpower (is that my problem?) I feel obligated to.. work. It is a job. But being at work and my god, the travelling, I come home tired and late, whatever time is there left?

So I concluded, I have to sacrifice my job. I dont want to mess up my daughter's future because of a job, I don't want that to happen.

Still pondering if I should wait till year end, if I wait till year end, I might as well wait for the bonuses to kick which wont be till March (MARCH!! WALAO) Would that be too late??

Because of all this thoughts rolling in my head, I have a heavy heart to work.
EARGH to interviews and job searching. What do I want to work as? Obviously something office hours. And a good pay because next year, its school fees, child-care fees and what-nots.

Child-care support my fucking ass, he cant even support himself. I.. eargh.

Talk about the ex-husband... Since raya is around the corner, I have begun spring cleaning my room and found a picture of him. I tore it away and Nuryna asked WHY. Told her, he is not here anymore why should we keep. She gave me a sad face.

Afterwards, she found OLD pictures of when I was 16 and just dating her father. She showed me and asked me if she should tear it.
What the fuck am I showing to her?
Even IF this was "teaching" her to hate her father, deep deep in her, she loves him very much. In her eyes, her father hasn't done anything wrong. Only to make me unhappy.

Eversince the last time she saw him, she couldn't stop bringing little small conversation they shared. With joy in her voice.
It hurt me to hear how much she enjoyed being with her father (U ARE SUPPOSE TO BE TEAM MAMA!) but for obvious reasons, i just smiled and nodded when she talks about it.

It was TWO DAYS and everything her father said etched nicely in her head into a perfect father picture. Oh, her papa loved her mama so much but they can't be friends anymore. Why, she would never get it but had to accept it as it is.

She didnt know HOW GOD DAMN WORRIED I WAS when he didnt return her on time. While he was sleeping away and not answering my phone calls about my daughter's whereabouts, I was hysteric. I may have over reacted but people don't know what Burn can and is capable of doing.

In her eyes, Burn would never hurt her. She doesn't know that Burn is capable of hurting her because I hurt him. It happened before, why wouldnt it happen again.

Do not trust him. Do not trust him. Do not trust him.

I am an adult. And how am I going to tell my daughter all this without being the bad parent???

When this is going to end, God knows.

I am muttering shit, aren't I? I said too much?

bah.

2011-08-14T01:09:00.002+08:00

It has been quite an.. "eventful" week.

Earlier in the week, we received a bad news. A friend that we knew got into an accident and passed away. I was shocked and very sad about it.
I knew her from twitter and she was wanie's best friend's elder sister.
Both of us got free Pitbull tickets last year from twitter. We got to know each other a bit better and had a blast at the party.

We never got a chance to meet again after the party but of course we "stayed in contact" through twitter. Somehow I felt that I knew her so well.

That is it with twitter. You are able to spam the timeline about your mundane life. It is a micro-blogging site.

After I found out about her death, I shared it with my colleagues and all of us were down knowing the news. They met her once but was also mourning along with me.

I may not be very close to Anna but her passing away did wake me up.

Life is unpredictable.

Van driver arrested over fatal hit-and-run case
Posted: 10 August 2011 1209 hrs

SINGAPORE: Police have arrested a 39-year-old man believed to have been involved in a fatal hit-and-run accident on Monday.

The accident happened at 11.20pm along the PIE towards Tuas after Changi South Ave 3 where a 25-year-old woman sustained multiple injuries and died.

Police said she and her male friend were standing beside their scooter which had broken down when a van knocked the woman down.

Based on the registration number provided by her friend, police tracked down the van driver and arrested him at his home within four hours of the accident.

A breath analyser test showed that his breath contained 47 microgrammes of alcohol per 100 millilitres.

The legally prescribed limit is 35 microgrammes per 100 millilitres of breath.

Police said motorists who are involved in accidents where any party is injured should never leave the accident scene.

They must stop and render necessary assistance.

Failure to do so is an offence and if convicted, the offender is liable to a fine not exceeding S$3,000 and can be jailed for up to 12 months.

Al-Fateha Anna....

___________________________________________________________

On other news.........

Fad's birthday was on Friday.
I had to button up my lips because I, NUR NABILLA CAN NOT KEEP SURPRISES.
I was excited and nervous and I COULDNT EXPRESS IT.

I had this PERFECT idea for his 25th birthday.
I wanted to get F O U R things for him.
Four for the four years I ~~tolerated him.~~ EH, four years with him... HEE
Four for the four letters to L O V E. CORNY KAN AKU. But romantic of course. *cough*

He already warned me not to bother getting anything. LIKE I'D LISTEN.

anyway. my idea was to get 4 things which are:
1. something he'd wear.
So a shirt. I thought of a watch but he bought himself a watch in KL so that's out. He also has a new "wallet". SO. A shirt.
I asked his cousin to ask him if he gotten himself the Manchester United jersey. Being him, he doesn't answer questions directly, he said things about getting in online, yak yak yak. but no direct yes, no answer. I decide NOT TO as it would be such a waste if i bought it and he also already ordered one.
Thoughts that count!
I recalled him wanting a Superman tee. Just a WANT. I knew he wouldnt buy it because it wasn't on the top list of his WANTS. Its just something he want-want. (WTF illa. what's want-want?)
I looked around, found a decent black tee w Superman logo. You can never go wrong with black. and at least the logo wasn't bling-blinging,.
While at it, I liked a belt, so amik je la eh.

2. A gadget for Mr Gadget
I SEARCHED HIGH AND LOW for a gadget. Sadly, four years of gadget browsing, I still don't understand some fuck shit about it.
I knew he wanted a HDMI (?) cable for his phone. Unfortunately, I can't find any with a reasonable price tag.
He also just bought a 1TB hard disk.

I found an AWESOME gadget and immediately fell in love with it.
It was a Universal wrist charger!

It was a charger on ur wrist. HOW FUCKING AWESOME IS THIS???

Sadly, they didnt ship this to Singapore. *pulls LOOONGGG sad face*
(Yes, b, it was your birthday gift that didn't ship to Singapore. I am such a bad liar, I told him "jewelries"when he asked "Apa yg tak ship online?" Apa yg aku order jewelry online eh.. Swarovski crystal necklace ke??? Belo.)

3. was a cake
What would a birthday be without a cake? And since it is Ramadhan, a cake would do good! Satisfy cravings kan??
I ordered for him cupcakes. (which didnt taste good nor was to my expectations.. HMPH! Lain kali aku buat sendiri!)

Tapi niat hati baik doh.

4. ME
HAHAHAHAH.
OF COURSE ME LA! The awesome & pretty girlfriend kan? HAHAHAHAH

But out of the four, i only given him the cake and the shirt. As for #4, I'm already here and I still am falling in love with him. I don't know how he feels about me but hey, I've express my feelings.

Next year, tanak kasi pape uh. His reactions were KELASIK. that will be between us. HAHAHA.

ALRIGHT. I'm done here. Still drafting up KL (BERABOK!) damn tired.

tomorrow, VOYAGE DE LA VIE! With him of course and hab and her surprise date.

Till then!

Nuryna's 6th

2011-08-04T09:21:00.003+08:00

PICTURES!
Pardon my mobile camera shots. IT SUCK C*CK. (thats an O btw. I dont believe in cursing with stars......) My SE more awesome. Idk why but the pictures were fine when i took it along the museum trip. I'm guessing I scratch the lens somewhere or it has condensation that doesnt dry off to make the pic quality very 2Megapixel-ish.

Helping to make the cake..

Eggxicted (I had to)

Almost ready!

From my parents

The Flik-Flak watch she wanted soooo very muchhh...

Nuryna wanted her party to be in school despite being sick. We brought the cake and the goodie bags to her school..

READY!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY NURYNA

Can u see Nuryna??? She is the one with the mask! Poor baby girl is sick and instead of wearing a pretty dress she has to wear a mask. (we made her wear it, not the school)

August. Ramadhan.

2011-08-01T03:58:00.003+08:00

Well, it has been quite a rock and roll during the last two weeks of July eh.

Enjoyed myself very much on the trip to Genting and KL with the boy. Drafting up the trip on my blog, shall put on links when I'm done with it. Thank you again, Fad for the adventure and being a very gentleman for paying for most of it. AWESOME YOU ARE! I treasure very much the bear. HEE. I am a romantic okay! Even though he won it for the sake of winning, I prefer very much to think he won it for me. TEEHEE. I'll name him, Joy. HEE.

We said Goodbye to Atok on the last week of July. Also thankful to Fad who took time to just come over to see him the few hours that he has left. It really really meant a lot to me and my family. Tersentak hari ini bila teringat that everyone was off to terawih and if Atok was still around he would also be on his way to Ghufran. :(

We also celebrated Nuryna's sixth birthday. A quiet affair as we were mourning over atok. The girl, bless her, was very content with what she had. We gave her presents after prayers a day before her birthday. Cik Anne and Cik Lina helped baked cupcakes and cake for her to bring to school the next day even when they were tired. Thank you my lovely aunties!
My parents gave her Angry Bird merchandise. Brand-less of course.

And I gave her the Flik-Flak watch she wanted since she was three!! HAHAHA. Well, she saw it every time we walk pass Swatch to nenek's and have wanted it since then. I keep telling her that I will get it for her birthday but never did. I mean she doesn't even know how to tell time yet. Well, she turned six this year and I thought it was appropriate to give her a watch since they will be learning about it. She was very pleased with it.
Cik Lina gave her dolls with dresses.

Eversince her birthday, she would wind up the jewelry box (it came along with the watch) before sleep and when she wakes up. Starting to wind me up..
The dolls too have become her favourite toy with her playing with it on her own every moment she has. :)

Well, it is Ramadhan. I have one and a half hour to go before Imsak. Most probably will be occupied when the sun rise. InsyaAllah will fast.

I have to say, I have been in very much in peace with myself. Only realise this as I return to work. I came back and went cibai, but that was a (bad) habit we all have at work. Trying to minimise it. From escaping my mouth at least. Also trying to see how far I could go without cursing too much.

While before the trip, I was beginning to fall apart and doubting the relationship. BUT! Glad to know that I am still in love with the same person after all this time. He is still the reason i smile. :) HEE.

Happy Ramadhan now.

Let's not judge people eh. Whether or not the person fast or if "this is the only month you all be holy and turn angelic but any other months you're the devil".. The one who judges you will be God. At the end of the day, you face Him alone not with all those people who are saying things.

RIP Atok

2011-07-29T23:03:00.005+08:00

Atok has passed away on 27th July 2011 at about 0130hrs.

The man who we remember as someone who is always active and on the go fell ill a couple of times over the years has said goodbye to us 3 days ago.

He was caring and never fail to give equal attention to all his six children and his 13 grandchildren.

We all remember him either sending us or fetching us from school.

This year Ramadhan will be spent without him. No bubur from masjid, no kuih.. :(

Went to visit his grave today.. and also arwah Obk Jaafar, arwah Kakak Shimah and arwah Uncle Udin.

I'll keep this short and sweet coz really heartbreaking for me. :((

You are deeply missed, Atok.

Al-Fateha.

2011-07-25T19:24:00.000+08:00

Currently at CGH.
Grandfather is in critical condition. Or DDIL. He is on 100% oxygen support now.
The doctor said to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Whatever was that suppose to mean? We ARE prepared for the worst. I guess that was the only way to put bad news nicely..

Still don't know how to feel about this. Death is part of life. I'm sad definitely but yet to cry. It hurts to see atok so weak and scares me that he won't be around any more..

Death is awkward isn't it? I told my colleagues that my grandfather is sick and that I have to go. I received Ohs.
even I would react the same if someone told me the same thing. I wonder why..

Most of the family is here. Getting bit sleepy but it's not fair to my mom, aunty and uncle who have been rushing to and fro the hospital day in day out and they are not even complaining. It's heart warming to see them as siblings are still close even after kids and grandchildren. Blessed to have such.family.. Knowing that I do have people who will and is supportive..

time is running real slow.. They say they want atok to die peacefully. They put him on something that would just make him.. Drift away..

Sigh.

Phase 4.21.9

2011-07-11T00:09:00.002+08:00

It will be about one week before Fad & I fly of to KL for our "holiday".

"Holiday" being more of a spontaneous long date to spend more time with each other. (Or as I'd like to think of it)

We have been awfully busy with work. And I am deprived from attention.

Without any plans, the chances of us having the same off days are quite slim. Off days are also rest days. I might have been working for six or seven days straight and he works a 12 hours shift so, let's just say, our temper are running short.

I have to admit I was getting used to him adjusting to MY roster. But now that he has start clocking in extra working days, I got... lost..?

I must stress that we both are tired from work and that both of us are short-tempered. I lit in a little flame and he adds on oil, I threw bit of old furniture and he adds wood; so this fire been burning for quite a while to the extend of us not really talking to each other as much as before.

I was very close to taking out my hair pin from my bag to stab him hard on his leg just now because he wasn't being DIRECT about things. I'll bet a few hundred bucks that he would do a choke slam on me because I was being irresponsible, careless, STUPID (quote).

This strange anger and frustration that begun, worries me. Doesn't Fad love me anymore? He doesn't care bout me anymore? Why the change?? When he has ALWAYS been the reason of my smiles. Now, we can't even have a conversation without picking out one little thing to make it a BIG BALL OF FIRE OF ARGUMENT.

I asked him of course, he gave the reason that he is clocking more days at work for money. Fair enough. So I left it as that.

We were still awkwardly in that state of mind where we are trying to hold back from strangling one another tonight... Then in front of his pals, we still could communicate nicely.

Which I thought was quite mature. *pats*

Though, I really do hope this is a phase and hope this doesn't continue to KL. We are going to face only EACH OTHER on this trip and best to keep sharp items away....

Onto other happenings in my life.................

My cat died. Mom was devastated. And it was odd to wake up without cleaning shit. Sad that Comot isn't actually by my bed accompanying me while I'm awake like now....

My grandfather....... is in the hospital. He was breathless and has been in the hospital for almost a week now. He is more weak now. Very sad about it. Even more sad hearing my mom, uncles and aunties saying that his body isn't doing too good.

My grandfather have always been strong. He is the one who walked from Tampines to Chai Chee. Walked everywhere.. Always making himself occupied. It is really sad to see him on bed just resting.... very very sad.

I know it is not nice but if he goes, he will be the first one who I am close to, to go. I don't remember grieve in my life. This is effecting me quite badly. I don't want to see him go... But this is life... Although I shouldn't be saying things like this, I have to be mentally prepared.
He is a great grandfather even though I've failed to be a STAR of a grandchild...
Sigh. Will be visiting him tomorrow... and any time I have. :(

That's about it.... Might wanna tweak the blog layout!! Gd night all!

Friends

2011-06-26T21:10:00.002+08:00

I just got off the phone with one (and only) old friend.

We always will have this question to why we are still in contact even though we hardly meet or talk. It was always a random call to "catch up" on things.
In contact here means a PHONE CALL. Not a facebook wall, not twitter, not chat.

It felt.. nice. Real nice.

We approached the subject to commitments. (My choice of words) A Friendship is A RELATIONSHIP. Like any other RELATIONSHIPS, it requires time and effort.

Time to catch up. An effort to care.

I, honestly, has a problem making friends and keeping them.
I make a lot of friends. I do. I can be very friendly when I want to. But keeping them has always been a problem.

I admit, I am very selfish in a lot of ways. I want attention and care from someone. But giving them back is a bit hard for me. I care, oh yes I do. But I don't know how to show that I do. Or rather, I have a different way of showing I care.

I treasure this particular friend very much. We do not have a lot of thing in common besides the fact that we went to the same school and classes but conversations with her always make me think.

Like today, she initiate a chat at facebook and i gave her a call.
That's my way of showing I care. I do not CHAT at facebook. 1. Because chat at facebook on my phone is a bit fucked up. 2. It is always LOL, and annoying smilies. 3. I don't bother much for facebook except to stalk people when I am really really bored.

We started off joking around and then warmed up to different topics like hormones and ambitions. We or rather she started on about mutual friends and to the topic of friendship.

We have reached to that age where a "clique" doesn't really matter.
Am I making sense?
Group of friends isn't as great as having that one friend that do matter.
Anyone in that particular group can listen to our problems but who are the ones willing to help?
Listen is one thing but advice is totally another. And if one could react to the problem a friend has is WONDERFUL.

I must say, I am blessed with friends that could react and advice to MY problems. The two current friends that I treasure very much and am thankful to their friendship has been very understanding and most importantly, they have been there.

One, is this particular schoolmate. She has been there for a few years already. She knows a lot about me. I am able to swallow her "harshness"and honesty because......... she is mature and adult enough. I admire her a lot for she knows what to do with her life. Yeah, she has moments where her life is dark and she feels lost. But she has the initiative to take control of her life and turn it around. Unlike some people who keeps harping on and on about it and updating facebook status on it expecting sympathy but not doing anything to it.

Two, funnily, is someone from the internet. She initiated the friendship and we get along great. Like I mention, I am good at making friends but keeping them is a problem. Even though, we hardly knew each other, I felt very comfortable sharing my secrets, my happiness, my sadness and anger with her. And she is a great shopping and chatting kaki! She, like One also somewhat understand that I have other commitments. but am willing and always ready whenever I need her.

We all have our own individual lives to live.
Face it, we are not teenagers anymore. While the big group of friends have been fun & laughter but who amongst them all are loyal enough to stay? I am not shunning cliques and most definitely there is someone in your clique that you like better than the rest. But what's up with all the drama, bitches??

All this entry is about is to comfort myself that it is fine to have a few friends. To treasure the ones that I have. (and to the fact that my attention span is thinning a bit now)

I'm patting myself on my back for having human interaction besides at work. *beam beam*
Besides, of course, Fad. He is my partner and there are things I feel uncomfortable sharing. (Like how I want to throttle his neck...) He has been a better friend *smile* but i do want some girlfriend time. (Nak cakap bitching, i do A LOT of gossiping and bitching with him. HAHAHA)

So..... yes. Glad and blessed to have them around. :)

HOLIDAAAY

2011-06-21T02:12:00.004+08:00

I still have a hundred and sixty things to do but decided to sneak in and blog a bit.

WE, Fad & I are going KL in a month's time!! YEAH! Another holiday!

He got a good (I think) deal for $3/night at First World Hotel in Genting so we planned a trip to KL s l o w l y. Since it is such a "good" deal, there are days/ black out months that we can't book. We got the hotel booked and he has Genting all planned out.
He is complaining that I am doing nothing to the holiday plans but what can I do? He immediately went searching around once he bought the deal.

After the so-so experience to Universal Studio Singapore (i didnt blog about it? OH! waited for pictures for DONKEY YEARS...) we are looking forward to BETTER (and cheaper and thrilling) rides in Genting. (And I am praying for GOOD weather)

We are still looking around for a budget hotel in KL. I have found one. Exceeded our budget by a bit. (by $10+?) Crossing my fingers that he'd agree. IT'S CLEAN, has Wi-fi (IMPORTANT! He emphasize this so much. His own words, "NEED wi-fi, we are already going without it for 2 days at Genting.." and I gawked, OMG. WE.ARE.GOING.TO.DIE. ), doesn't look too much like a slut house yet quite affordable rates.

I wanted to take the initiative and look up for things to do in KL.

I've been there quite a number of time as a teenager. With my parents, with Wanie's family. We've been to Sunway, Genting, Petaling, Masjid India, that indoor roller coaster when it first opened, we've been there randomly when mom just decide HEY LET'S GO KL. Unfortunately, I can't remember much. I can't remember much about what I did last week so it's really a problem with self.

But I did it. I went to search what to do. And here is what I came up with.......

To SHOP.

What else. We only have two days. We'd do a lot of walking (as warned by Fad), that is SIGHT-SEEING at its best. And yeah, Shop.
I doubt we are going for any nightlife since there is only the two of us. I am a bit bored with nightlife scene (says the person who wanted to quit smoking since 2006).

I can't wait for the holiday. I do not see this as a relaxing one but hey, it is still a holiday!

I will blog about it once we get back. This is a true budget holiday so it is worth an entry.

HM. Life has been mundane.
SO TILL THEN!

Museum

2011-06-06T18:24:00.004+08:00

It was the June Holidays. I looked around for activities for Nuryna and I stumbled across The Playdome @ National Museum of Singapore on Time Out Singapore.

A workshop on story-telling caught my eye so I decided we should do it!

I twitted and FB looking for company for the museum trip but didn't get any response. :(
BUT I knew Nuryna and I will AND always have fun even though there was only the two of us.

And we needed that bonding anyway.

It was raining so we brought her raincoat and an umbrella for myself and head out for the museum. Surprisingly, we didn't get lost. It was my first time to the National Museum so it was a good sign that we didn't get lost. I had booked us a workshop called, "I'm a Storyteller" for 11AM and we still had a few minutes to spare.

I'm A Storyteller was a workshop done by Kamini who was a professional storyteller to teach the kids storytelling. (duh) (I'm very bad at story-telling hor)

The workshop starts at eleven sharp, so Nuryna and I went to the toilet first. When we got out two mummies and their daughter was already waiting.

I was being very judgmental and thinking, ohhhh rich people with their "accents"and "smart school background".
Eleven sharp, we got into the "seminar" room where four tables with six small kid's chair was already set up and a box of colour pencil in the center. Thankfully the room was warm! I had left my cardigan outside my house!

We started the class with silencing our mobile phone (of course) and was introduced to Storytelling without paper and pencil. It was fun telling a story about rain with just finger-clapping and feet stomping.
Kamini then taught us how to make finger-puppets just by folding an A4 size paper and told us a story of a bullfrog in Australia (surprise surprise) with her finger puppet.
The kids got around to colouring their finger-puppets and we took turns to tell story to our child and then our child to us. Our finger puppets was a duck and a crocodile/shark.

Nuryna's story was about the baby duck who needs her milk before bed and the mother duck refuse to make some and mother duck fell asleep without making milk for baby duck.
Inspired by true story, of course........

We all then gathered to see some old pictures at a nearby exhibition. The idea was for the kids to look at the pictures and conjure their own stories from it. They had to look at the pictures, the people's expressions, the scenery, the characters and God bless me, I have forgotten half of what she said. We got back to the workshop and Kamini passed around the museum's own collection of pictures. Nuryna and I got a picture of a group of people in water smiling.
Nuryna starts to make up that the people were family except for one guy. The "related"ones were already in the sea and was only joined by the other guy after much prodding from the others in sea. Complete with long-winded conversation between all of the character. Imagination does wonders.

Kamini told us another story of a TALL STICK MAN with just writing on a board. As the story evolves and she continued drawing, the tall stick man became the answer to the story's question: Who was the waiting for the stick man after all his travels around the world?

A DOG!!!

Lastly, Kamini rounded the kids to the front and gave them each a small animal to hold and she told a story about an Old Lady who had a bad habit. The Old Lady's bad habit was to eat anything and everything she saw. It was a sing-along story and Nana and I agreed it was the best part of the workshop. It was a very silly story.

After the workshop, we went up the Playdome to check out the place. Unfortunately because of the weather, the outdoor activities, The Lawn and The Garden were closed.

We were greeted very enthusiastically by the girls at the entrance. They explained to me about what I could find on the floor.

We went into The Black Box first. The girls at the corner with the Dress exhibit said Hello and we went over to them. One of them asked Nuryna is she wanted to make a dress like the one they had on the mannequins. It was a pretty dress made by just weaving and tying knots. They think Nuryna's tee-shirt was CUTE PLUS FUNNY. That was enough to score points with me la. Hello, it was a Threadless tee. It was art itself. So far nobody got the humour out of the tee but these girls did (or rather ladies since they were around my age or older).

By the way, her tee had an elephant on swings saying "My turn!" to the mouse on the ground.
#1 humour: Elephants are "known" to be afraid of mice
#2 humour: Elephant on swings
#3 humour: the look on Mice
#4 humour: Elephant asking Mice to push him???

(I have the same tee too)

Nuryna eventually got bored and we went to The Real Thing. It was a giant kaleidoscope. We'd stand in front of it with sheets or objects to create images and patterns in the giant kaleidoscope.
IT.WAS.COOL

We then hopped to Wayang Play Stage. We dressed up..

Coloured a Wayang mask

Climbed on some props and then hopped out of the black box.

The most interesting about the Wayang Play Stage was an ang-mo father and son. The father was trying, CORRECTION, forcing his son to FINISH COLOURING, CONCENTRATE ON THE MASK, YOU WANT TO DO THIS, SO YOU BETTER DO THIS. Very disturbing yet interesting on how the angmo's does parenting LIVE.
For Nuryna, she liked dressing up and prancing around pretending to be some Wayang PekJi.

We went into The Sensory Studio and into the Clay Musescapes!

We found ourselves a seat and was given two slabs (?) of clay. Nuryna was enjoying it. I don't like Plasticine at home so she was really making up for the lost.
I joined in the (horrible) mess and made a....

YAWNING CAT! Ps. You can pet the cat and feel its fur... MEOW!

Btw, i was very proud of my creation. It turned out so pretty and realistic.

She made a dog and a stick person with a stick and a heavy clay head, it couldnt stand.
I helped her do a proper clay person and she got busy herself and made a...

HEAD-DRESS!!

And this is my clay person...

She wrote her name on it...

She then hooked the dog on a "leash" and made the clay person hold on to it.

Very creative, I didn't even think of that!!

After, we went out to draw on some postcards. She was whining all around the exhibits that she wanted to do the postcards.. -__- It was JUST drawing!

We sat and start doodling.

She choose this drawing of us walking to the museum in the rain.
Art, okay.

We said goodbye to the museum and walk towards SAM. I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO GO SAM!
I am still very upset with myself that i missed the ancient Egypt exhibition a few years ago. TUNGGU ADIK AKU NAK TEMAN LAST LAST TAK GI! GRRR.

Nuryna already been to the museum with her school so she showed me the entrance to it. (Pats Nuryna)

I AM SO EXHAUSTED NOW. I guess, i'll continue SAM and the other museum later. HAHAHAHA. OR upload it on FB.

OMG FACEBOOK ALBUM U KILLED BLOGGER!
OMG TWITTER U KILLED LONG BLOGSPOT ENTRIES!
OMG NABILLA NEEDS A BIGGER ATTENTION SPAN!!
OMG BODY HURTS FROM TYPING THIS ON A COMPUTER LEVELED WITH THE BED!
OMG I MISS NETTY LIKE FUCK!
OMG I NEED A NEW P&S CAMERA! (hint hint fadpleaseprettypleasepleaseialreadysaypleasebuyformeone)

Two Life

2011-05-17T18:06:00.003+08:00

I realise what was my fear after all these years after the divorce.

I realise why I didn't chase Burn for the money..

I didn't want him to take Nuryna away from me.

I know we share the custody for I believe then that she has the right to see her father.

Now he returned, I became scared..
Little Girl is currently away with him and then I realise, it wasn't fair.

She probably will be receiving much more attention from Burn because of the distance.

She was EXCITED to go off with her father today. They came back to get her school things and she couldn't wait to go off.

I know that this "staycation" with her father would be a short while. and i know for a fact that UNTIL he gets HIS own life settled out, this staycation was just an act.

He asked me why I divorced him... Four years too late.
For awhile, I wondered why. I couldn't recall as I already erased that part of my life.

He asked what did he do wrong. What was i suppose to do? Write it down and paste it on my forehead? What was my tears for? If i had my diaries with me, i'd throw them to his face. This, BOOKS OF PAGES FULL OF UNHAPPINESS.

His second marriage was not working out. Which is none of my business. I didn't feel the "HAHA! PADAN MUKA KAU"feeling. I only felt that it was unnecessary to tell me.

I'm very sorry but I can't be a friend.

If I had a choice, I wanted him to dissapear TOTALLY away from my life. Not to bother me or Nuryna. For all i know that this girl belonged to me. It had nothing to do with him. NOTHING.

But how could I?
The innocence of my daughter when she asked why aren't papa and mama friends anymore?
The way she held herself from smiling ear to ear when she saw her father after all these years? (probably held her smile so not to betray me since she is on "my side")

It pained me to see how I've spoilt a family image I had when I had her. I gave her life.. yet i couldn't maintain a perfect mother, father, child image.
Although I know it was for the best. And this divorce family thingie is not such a taboo in our society anymore. Still, the feeling that she couldn't have a proper family was because of the adult's decision.

The way I saw when Burn and I had a talk, he didn't give any much care about the girl. He was harping on and on about his failures. Yet not doing anything.
That was why I couldnt care about maintenance from him. At the end of the day, this was just something HE HAD TO DO. Why? He didnt even know his responsibility.. But no court can teach him that. He still hasn't got anything right in his life.

I shouldn't be caring and for God's sake, I think I am too nice to him already. I have always been.

I blew my top when he asked me why didn't I tell him that I wasn't happy...
THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE THAT MEN DO....

THEY DO NOT REALISE IT UNTIL IT CRUMBLED AND IT WAS TOO LATE TO PUT IT BACK TOGETHER.

My tears. My sadness. My nagging. My consistent calling. My anger. THE FIGHTS. THE QUARRELS. THE DISAGREEMENTS.
Wasn't that good enough of a clue to tell you that something was wrong, there is something that should be changed?

Enough about the past.

Let him harp about it. I had enough drama to last me a lifetime.

I found Happy.

The past may haunt me but that wouldn't pull me down.
The experience from all this gave me a bigger view for what life is.

Now, I just want to see how true Burn is to his words. If he could play his role right. For my daughter. Otherwise, I'm taking full custody if he doesn't shape up.

Then, I may have not given her a real family from scratch, but I hope one day, I'll meet someone who could give us that. A man to love me as a person I am, to love my smile and to accept my flaws, to hold my hand and let me know he'll be there. A man who will love Nuryna like his own. For that man is a true man as he could love a child not his but give her the love of a father. To guide, give support and encouragement to my daughter as if she was his own blood. To hold her and tell her he LOVE her.

What can a girl do but dream.......................................

2011-03-26T22:37:00.022+08:00

I think this is worth a blog entry.

You know how down I was because I didnt get what I wanted to do for my birthday? I also was given the off days I requested for. I guess the reason to make it worst was that I had to work 5 night shift just to get the requested off days.
Five nights was depressing. WORKING on my birthday. Plus requested off day with no plans.
Of course I was kicking myself.

I randomly told Fad that we should go Batam since we had the same off days. I simply said, "let's go batam on friday since we dont know where or what to do in singapore.. Something so random suddenly turned real as we started to search for accommodation. I surveyed Ferry tickets and we search for affordable accommodation.

We had a rough idea of what-to-dos and where-to-go.

I packed just a change of clothes and swimming costume and met w Fad at Harbourfront straight after I finish my night shift on Friday.

We bought tickets for the ferry at 9:30am. Both of us were stoning in the Ferry as we didnt had good night sleep the day before. (WELL, I didnt sleep as I was working while Fad came back pretty late after a full day work and only had a few hours of sleep)

We've reached quite early for any shopping so we decided to take a cab to the hotel. Of course the driver decides to tell us that there is better hotel and etc. I was psyched about the Triniti and that was already in our budget. (HAVENT PAY DAY YET!!) And it had wifi. And spa access. That we were very sure of.

Triniti was a bit further away and 10mins walk from the "Biggest" shopping centre in batam. The only downside about the hotel was it was QUITE a walk-away. The walk-way or rather the road that was leading to the hotel was a quiet and would be very dark at night.

We checked in and HOORAY! The room was.. clean.
It lacked a bathtub. I dont know why this is important to both of us. Fad likes to have a good rendam in the tub while I just think its a thumbs up if a room had a bathtub.. I mean, I HAVE A SHOWER AT HOME! it would be awesome if it had a bathtub.
A small plasma tv stuck on the wall and fad got raping the tv so he could pluck his netty in and we could watch movies. (Or facebook w a bigger screen).
Since we were both tired from work, we set the alarm and went to sleep.

Woke up feeling hungry and so we walked to the shopping center, Nagoya and surveyed the streets. We conclude it wasnt too safe for both of us to return late at night walking.
He could run from danger but I couldnt. (what kind of hero la this.. -__-)

TEH BOTOL SOSRO SAYA SUKA. HAHAHA. (Fad suka!)

haus gilaaaaa. and PENTING!! isap rokok kat a/c shopping centre! *claps hands in glee
We didnt know what to shop for so we walked around and decide to play games in a HUGE arcade that had more space than games! AND OMG LA. he damn competitive!

I recalled how cheap beauty products was so we went to the hypermart and began going.. crazy. I dont know why but we have been doing alot of grocery shopping this year.
We ended up buying shampoo, toothbrush, face masks, biore white/black head remover, face wash and CHIPS!

Beef chips???? WOW! and it was NICEEEE

I think ALL of this costs S$10 or lesser!
With all our shopping bags we went out to the streets to look for a massage place that we could go in the morning the next day.

We found Isabella Massage House nearby. We did read about it prior to our trip.

We were attracted to the fact that they did transfer from the hotel to the spa and then to dinner after spa and then will bring us to the ferry terminal! That means we would save a bit on taxis! (and the bit on being harassed by the many drivers around)
And the place was nice. Mcm ada spa atmosphere. Brown walls, waterfall effect on the screen and the ladies was friendly!

We got back to the hotel and remembered that we only had one meal for the day and decide it wont kill us since we had chips. We wanted to have a dip in the jacuzzi but unfortunately too late for it. We had our own facial mask time and GOT ONLINE. HAHAHA. We compared prices w spa in singapore and decide whattafuck we should just do it. We had a rough plan in our mind for the next day: breakfast, jacuzzi, spa, lunch/dinner, helmet searching and back home.

We got up and had breakfast. There was little left for us since we woke up late. BUT THE PORRIDGE WAS TO DIE FOR. Damn nice. Had 2 servings! *pats tummy* Fad on the other hand, had cereal and toast.
We packed when we got back up and I called Issabella to book us a massage at noon.
We changed to go to the jacuzzi and WE OWNED THE PLACE. HAHAHA

We showered again and proceed to check out. (With more packing for fad and his chips)

Our driver was already there upon check out.

Upon reaching Isabella, Fad asked the driver if he could bring us later to see more helmets and he said no problem. We received a welcome drink that was juices and away we went for our massage.
We had a 3 hour couple body scrub + aromatherapy massage + ear candling that cost us (or rather him) S$110. CHEAP!
We climbed three (or four) floor up the shop house. Clearly I wasnt too happy and beginning to think that having stairs was just to get us tired before the massage....

It was bit awkward to have my partner in the same room as I am while massaging. I dont see anything romantic about having a massage together. What are we suppose to do? Moan in pure ecstasy in sync? (while beds apart? heh)
The body scrub was HEAVENLY. We had another shower (a third one that day.. We had more than enough shower and was squeaky clean) and my body felt soooooo soft! (and it still did after a week!)

The massage to me was good. I felt so good. My shoulders, my limbs and my back. Lovely feeling.

Ear candling and head massage. UGHH. God, as i am typing this, i can recall the shiokness of it all.

AH.

We had ginger tea after the treatment. I suppose to rid of any unwanted air. Fad did rid of ONE good one before that and blamed it on me. -__-

We stored our bags with the spa and went off to find for helmets.

We shopped around for more chips and a visor. Got myself a cap for lazy-days-to-comb-hair. Most probably the only thing i got from the trip as nothing else caught my attention.

We drove back to the spa to pick up our bags

and went to the ferry terminal and also Mega Mall (?). We quickly browse through Mega Mall and as we knew, the things there had the same price as in singapore.
We had dinner at A&W. A must have for singaporeans! LOL
We rushed to get our ferry back and that was our short quite impromptu trip to batam.
If I wasnt wrong, Fad spent about an estimated of >S$250 for the trip; the room (S$45), ferry (S$75) & spa ($110). His treat. THANKS BABY!

It was a lovely birthday treat and knowing each other for 4years. :) ily!

2011-03-21T09:40:00.004+08:00

I've been hit by the birthday blues.

I thought March has always been on my side because it is MY birth month.
But this year, its just shits.

I guess i have brought it upon myself. with being too overly excited about having this year to CELEBRATE it in a BIG BIG deal. I knew better than to get to hyped up about this but i just couldnt help myself.

Firstly the most anticipated bonus didnt come in. And God knows if it might ever come in.
Because of non existing but most talked about bonus, that particular Wanderlust LUST went down the drain.

Had my weekend approve but unfortunately with no plans.

Fadli had to work on my birthday and he sweetly has informed me of so. He even suggested we could go shopping for my birthday present on Sunday (yesterday).
BUT i brought it again upon myself for backing out and then I didnt get no shopping on Sunday. :(

The most best of all is that I didnt feel like its special anymore. And that sucked. Because it is suppose to be. It is suppose to be MY birthday.

I got so sad even weeks before my birthday. Yesterday just sparked it all off. The birthday date didnt happen and i felt so fucking miserable. That was the only thing I looked forward to.

So I cried myself to sleep and got myself ready for work with a heavy heart. It didnt help that Fad keep rubbing on me that it was MY fault for missing the birthday date.

Shaz called me and literally FORCED me to take an off day on Wednesday so she could cheer me up. I burst into more tears.
Call me an attention seeker but shaz jus gave me what i wanted: Attention. And of course, care and concern over my over-reaction towards my non-birthday.

I gave in and apologise to Fad. My heart triumphs over my ego when it comes to him. It was a little too late because the date didnt happen. (I'll bet you my precious bantal busuk that even though I apologised, it wasnt changing anything to what Fad feels.)

So. Today is the eve of My day. Already the weather forecasts predicts rain. (Not my favourite weather *wrinkle nose*)
I feel bit better than last night though.

Let's go with the flow and make the best of what it is...

Might not blog until the cows blows the candle, this is a birthday wish to myself....

Happy 23rd Birthday Illa!!
I haven't seen you cry for a long time and I love that smile and the shine in your eyes.
You have YET to achieve any of the last goals in the last entry but I know deep down in your heart you WILL do it.
This may not be the birthday you wanted but this may be the birthday you'll never forget.
There is still so much things to learn and so many things to do.
Birthdays are a celebration to life, no doubt. But also a gentle reminder that we are not getting any younger.
You messed up your youth but you grew as a stronger adult.
May not be financially happy but that smile I see is definitely the envy of many.
Now go blow your candles and put on your party hat, it is not just any other day, its YOUR birthday. :)

2011-01-25T13:25:00.002+08:00

Wow.
I didn't know what came to me today but I went googling (the new word for search even though I use yahoo search) about the hospitality industry.

I've been convincing myself to go back to studying. But a little voice in my head told me that I have only N levels, can make it meh? You sure meh you, N level also bukan nye besar, nak amek dip?

I also been trying to keep this dream alive by only confiding to only myself. Well, yeah I have shared a bit with some people I trust. But more in a conversation, like what do I have in mind for my future. The best and correct answer was "I hope to go back to school."

I hope versus I want.

Secretly, I WANT TO GO BACK TO STUDY. Only I haven't been too serious about it. *sad*

Where was I......

SO.

I searched online when I already know and already went to enquire about the courses and already quite sure I want to enroll myself to and ended up to the same website I bookmarked 2years ago. (Need hep with sentence structure. what talk you)

My colleagues asked me what's the need to study Hospitality when I already have hands-on experience? Well, most of them came from internships. They started studying first then hands-on.
Why can't I have hands-on and pursue the paper after?
I need the paper because this is Singapore.

So I went back to that particular website and read:

WSQ Skills Advancement Pack (Front Office)
Handle Guest Arrival, blablabla. done done done.
Handle Guest Departure, blablabla. Done done done.
Promote Tourism, blablabla. Done.

Hm. Very good choice of words for my resume. *adjusts own resume*
Hm. Do I need this? It was JUST a course.
Perhaps if I did this a year ago, it might make more sense. Then would it change anything to my pay? Would it change people perception?
My ex-boss who gave me the REAL interview (exactly) a year ago, gave me a chance to try. Without that particular paper that said hey, I am a certified GSO. And I cannot thank him enough.

Moving on.

I was almost afraid I would disappoint myself if I clicked on WSQ Diploma.

Entry Requirement

GCE ‘O’ Level with credits in English and Mathematics OR
WSQ Advanced Certificate OR
WSQ ESS Workplace Literacy & Numeracy Level 5
AND at least 2 years of relevant work experience

No O Levels.
Hm. No WSQ Adv Cert.

Wait. What was my WSQ ESS?
I went to find my WSQ ESS Cert. And recalled the conversation Fad, Naz, Ann and I had few weeks ago. This ESS was quite equivalent to an O level. And this as Ann puts it, for those who pandai la sangat masih sec sch dulu.
SURPRISE. I had a 6 for Literacy & 5 for Numeracy.
(Should I retake them??? Mcm boderline je...... I can do better right?)

AND 2 years experience..

Wow.

WOW. I am eligible for this???
I am eligible for a WSQ Diploma???

Course fee? $2.5K. Which isn't pocket-busting. A year for part-timers. Not too bad.
SO I just need another year. Or heck, I just need the money and I can just enroll myself. I am already in the industry, i intend to be in the industry in more years to come. And this is an advancement. Not just the papers you polytechnic peps take just for the heck of it. (For example my lovely sister with a her papers working a 9-6 job, which excuse me, I could do with my eyes close, my hands tied up behind a chair while sharping my nails. Yes while my hands are tied. TADA~ )

And then tersentak di dada.. even after the excitement that I CAN I CAN I CAN. I realise I was TOO lazy to.. (save? pursue?). I get sidetracked. I say but I don't do it. That was one of the reason I sometimes am too embarrass to share. Because I know myself. I would be all hyped out about it in a minute and get distracted by oh shiny things.

Nabilla. Now that you know you could. And you should. You know whats the next step.
I will have my people slap your fucking fuck face every time you get distracted. Isn't this what you wanted? Then fuck you, do it.

*DEEP BREATHS*

At the moment let my blog and my readers know this. And hush hush.

I'll see you soon, and i hope the next entry we'd get some improvements. (the driving license and this WSQ Diploma. ) OK GO!

WISHLIST

2011-01-20T23:55:00.002+08:00

HAHA. mentelism hit me.

An android phone. For a twitter addict me. AND I JEALOUS LA SEE ALL THE OTHER TOUCH TOUCH WHILE I STILL THUMBING ON MY NUMBER PAD.
A camera. A point & shoot for start. BUT BOY, I AM LUSTING ON THAT SAMSUNG ONE!
iPod Touch. Cause i just want something apple, can? HAHA MAYBE JE.
Wanderlust. SOB. I really want to go.

Thats all. Not much kan?

Been thinking for awhile and I think my first mistake was letting you read what goes on in my mind.

Haiz.
I am still getting use to Fad and his short hair. I feel insecure because he reminds me of the past. And its like dating someone new la. so awkward.

I found a fantastic website for nana. its zoodles.com. I AM GUSHING about it, because its fantastic! its an add on for mozilla and whenever she clicks on it, its just those websites she can go to. No more y8.com, no more irritating Mr Bean youtube videos, no more no more!!!

blablabla. ONWARDS!!

hello twenty-eleven

2011-01-08T10:29:00.003+08:00

Ok. I have been meaning to blog. Honestly.

And yes I have drafts that never got to publish.

Instead of Facebook stalking or sleeping for that matter, i thought I should blow the dusts off this blog of mine. Why I still keep a blog is beyond me!

I thought I would start off an entry and perhaps finish it off.. But oh my, I really have not much to blog about!

Its the new year. I have decided against making up resolutions i'd never keep.

I do not feel any different being its the new year and all.
I will be turning 23. That's Adulthood IN-YOUR-FACE. I am officially allowed to call the younger ones Kids.
Nuryna will be turning six. and like every other year I am still SHOCKED by how fast she grows. I am ultimately guilty for not giving her the much needed attention I swore I would give her.
That's parenthood; you will always feel that you are not giving enough.
I do find myself eating into my own guilt that the time I've spent with her have been decreasing.
:( very very sad.

Work have been good if not great. I have yet to feel a day where I have to drag my ass to work. I do have my lazy days but once I am at work the feeling changes. There are challenges, I must admit but I just feel that I belong. I have yet to feel the Love I felt at TC even though I dragged my ass half of the time over there but at TC, I loved my job.

I am getting along better with my parents as my age catches on. I open up a bit more to them.

Boyfriend. Gee, that still sound odd to my tongue... Fad & I are doing great. He never fail to make me laugh. Of course we quarrel because he is sexist. (HAHAgrumble) I do not know where we are going to end up to but I am happy where we are. I want to cook for him because he said I have NEVER cooked for him in almost 4 years. BAH. I don't even know what to eat on most days what more cook. But I will. One day. One picnic day.
I enjoy his company and feel lost if he's not around. I have been cock-whipped.. Yep. Cock-whipped. I am so afraid of making plans without informing him first. And most of the time refusing plans because I know he won't be too happy. Cock-whipped. Boy, I am so ashamed of this. BUT YEAH. I enjoy his company. and like I mention be totally lost without him.
WHAT CAN I SAY BUT OH WELL I AM IN LOVE.
Oh and my heart breaks a thousand time seeing him still "making friends" while yours truly who went around saying, "ABEI TAKOT MATAIR??" been terribly cock-whipped to the MAXIMA.
All that sounds pathetic when I put it out like that.
LE SIGH.

abrupt end to post. again.
I wish for the best. For myself of course. And you, if you are still checking on my blog, thank you for your loyalty. My apologies for such random entries.
Till the next time, I hope I get better inspiration to blog. Like a shampoo ad or something.
Toddles.

Its a battle

2010-12-01T02:53:00.002+08:00

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy

I am never the one who'd go up to someone and ask "Why the sour face?"
One, I don't care. Two, I don't strike up unnecessary conversations. I am not usually the one who starts conversations, actually. Three, I hardly notice all these until you tell me so. I am in my own world. I care about myself more.

BUT I am not that arrogant to totally ignore conversations if one started them. And too nice to actually say, "GTFO, I am PMSing" Most of the time I get very hyped up about it than the person who initiates the conversation.

The most recent DISCUSSION that I had did affect me emotionally.

Love. What else would the subject be to affect me? World Peace?

Unlikely. I hardly even read the news and only care about what is happening locally.

The two conversation started very straight. "You are a girl, you should know.." and of course the popular, "but promise you won't tell anyone.."

Good thing is that I do not have anyone to tell to. Yes, thank you for sharing the burden. *toss & turns*

Yesterday after it, I felt so much in love again with the idea of love. Thankful even for the 3 years we shared.

It was about; if I could nicely summarise it in one sentence would be, "I love her but I do not want to hurt her"

I was in between being an ego (ie. manly thoughts) and a feminist. I was going "Aiya, what the fuck, she gave in so enjoy." to "NOOO YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! PLAYING WITH HER HEART YOU MORONIC ASSHOLE"

He thinks she is going too serious too fast but "as a girl, I would know" he showed enough "love" for her to think that their relationship should go to another level.

I do not know what I have solved for my colleague but I guess he felt better after talking to me. And the lucky bitch gets an anonymous chocolate & flowers the next day.

Today, the question from another bloke (working midnight and surrounded by Mat-mat emo) asked, "HOW COME SHE CAN DO IT AND I CAN'T?"

Well, well so familiar this territory.

I wasn't feeling good because of a "joke" that went abit too MUCH for me to handle. I'll get to that after this, I NEED MY RANTING SPACE TOO.

I told him, pointing fingers and all (FANATIC FANATIC), "SAMPAI KAUM-KAUM ENGKAU BERMULA JUJUR DALAM PERHUBUNGAN MEREKA BARU KITA BINCANGKAN TENTANG INI!" (yes, word by word. I was taken aback by what I have said that's why I remembered it. Part kaum-kaum tu la yg buat bunga-bunga kan perbualan)

He obviously was asking why THE GIRL is unfaithful not THE BOY. But I was being fanatic already. He started ranting about NI LA PEREMPUAN2 SINGAPORE.

WELL EXCUSE ME JANTAN-JANTAN SINGAPORE..!

He calmed down when I retorted, "Tapi sayang jugak apeeee..."

Therefore the quote above.

Its love-hate. I couldn't phrase it better than "I hate that I love you, boy"

On another a pretty sad note, my male colleagues sees me as Aunty Agony kepe!

Flattered to know that OH, you are divorced so you should know what is love and what is hate. (sarcasm)

Which part in my divorce certificate says I am experienced in marriage/relationship?

TALK ABOUT failed marriages, I did one mistake tonight. (two, the second one being not able to RESIST to tweet my thoughts, bite my tongue and swallow my feelings)

The first mistake was comparing.

Honestly, I AM FREAKING OUT. Because how can I not??

and shite, how can I do this without even bringing up the past?

Haven't I told you, babes, I am and I will be behind you?

Ok. Here goes... I love you. Sufficient enough for you to believe that I will b there for you?

I didn't like the way you asked for it. I deserve respect. I know its better to be straight forward than beating around the bush but I felt that the way you ask me TONIGHT was downright rude. I CAN TAKE JOKES. We've been joking and horsing around all these years, haven't we, dear?

BUT I HAVE FEELINGS. I am sensitive especially when it comes to THAT. I do not think it is funny about what i have said to you and what you replied to me. YOU KNEW what I have been through yet you dare JOKE about it. YOU WERE THERE TO SEE WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPEN BACK THEN. That's why I compared. (and therefore the second mistake comes along) I ALMOST WANTED TO SPIT... Disgusted by all the men. (thats why my colleague kena KAUM KAUM KAMU lepas tu)

I managed to calm myself but he got mad instead (EH EH!!)

Pretty much speechless now.

I gave subtle hints, I blew my top. I am abit too much. I never know how to stop myself from saying things i don't really mean.

These are my mistakes, I am sorry. I hate to admit them but I do realise what my faults lies at.

DO YOU?

I love you baby, but sometimes, GRR!!

(told you its a battle)

really...random to the maxima

2010-11-30T03:24:00.002+08:00

I ought to take this free time to study but WHY NOT BLOG!

I dont have anything on my mind that is seriously EXCITING to blog about but why the hell not. The blog have been awfully dusty since I have been busy with work and TOO bloody active in Twitter and Facebook. (damn those networking sites!)

And COME ON!! I find it an absolute pleasure reading people's miserable status on the go. Some update every now and then and OMG amuses me to hell. I had to contain my excitement from clicking on Like. People (like me sometimes) misuses it. I try to mean it whenever I use the button. Really.

WOW I have 5 drafts. And i wonder if this would be the 6th.

HEH.

Argh. Backache.

OHMYGOD. ALMOST DECEMBER!! OHMYGOD! NURYNA IS TURNING SIX! OH.MY.GOD.
I do this every year, dont i? Hurhurhur

And like every other year, I always would look back to the months back. Unfortunately, there isnt much to reflect or reblog because I havent been blogging. It has been great. It really has. :)

Looking forward to 2011.. Plans? Maybe I should keep it to myself. :)

I learnt more and more as age is catching up with me. Not much of getting wiser but yes, the experience is.. good(?) I could never ask for anything more. God has blessed me with greatness this year.

I suppose I have to settle Burn. Mom & (SURPRISE) Kudut have been bugging me to DO IT. They say I am too nice. But I feel its such a hassle la. But I have been dreaming about running around either chasing or being chased by him. Wow. Scary it was because he hardly comes into my mind during my wake. Its a sign.

MEH. Still going on about the same shit.

BUT HEY I AM STILL ALIVE. And for some busy-body coming in to find out who I actually am, HI!
I DoNot Type LikE thIs ARe You ShittiNG in Your Pants IN Shock NOt?

I also have not chat boxes or what-they-were-called so my blogs updates are not about replying the chat boxes. No one misses me anyway.

HM. Till the next entry! haaa. LOVES, illa

These are the dates I treasure the most

2010-11-24T18:36:00.004+08:00

This calls for a blog entry! HAHA. For I was a very happy girl in love! hee.

We never went crazy over taking photos even how much of a camwhore I am. Somehow our dates or rather, the whole relationship was pretty much.. private.

I, the attention seeker had also adjusted myself to be pretty much low key on my love life. (Of course until we quarrel or had a big fight)

(and that made me wonder, how i come i do that? shouldnt i be sharing the love?)

(not to the extent of EVERYTHING BOYFRIEND THIS BOYFRIEND THAT. meeting boyfriend, boyfriend working, boyfriend fetching, boyfriend peeing. MELUAT OK THANKS)

well. here goes to the dates with Love. (or alternatively called Fad on days like today, when the both of us are planning to kill each other. >( )

Lets start from Phuket.

i like this because he took this picture while im taking pictures of other things..

most likely my favourite picture of the whole trip.. :)

hugggg & kissesss..

and then a budgety date. to Peranakan museum and to Orchard to see the lights..

and then to the beach. which i pissed him off for being a bimbo n a girly-girl. sorry laa! its been years since i venture out to the outdoors. and cant help it if one of my biggest flaw is being very asal-boleh.

pouting coz its too hot..

cant recall what he was laughing about but this one, my favourite pic of him.

enough pictures no?

there is a saying that pictures last forever and I am glad we went on a camera craze. and with memories like mine, i'll nvr really recall things. (therefore the blogs, the diaries)

We had fun. (always that tone of surprise ey hermoine!)

oh yes we tom and jerry-ed on dates. he'd be jerry the annoying mice always out for mischief, on my nerves, taunting and teasing. and id be Tom, quiet but really wanted to kill him, and in the process doing it carelessly.

hmm.

but you know. i will end this blog with yet another corny little ending...

I WANNA SPEND MORE N MORE TIME WITH YOU! &heart;

Plans for 23rd birthday

2010-11-16T03:39:00.002+08:00

ok.
I havent been blogging much and this wouldnt be much of an entry.

I WANT TO STAY IN A BOUTIQUE HOTEL FOR MY 23rd!!

like i mentioned before, working in a hotel itself made myself so psyched up about other hotels.

At first i wanted to do it at Hotel Re. Then i found so many other choices of boutique hotels in singapore and now i am sexcited!! (inappropriate word to be using on an entry about hotels...........)

I cant decide as of yet if i want it to be a party but i better start saving for the room!!
I shared this with Fad and even when i told him it did came to my mind that booking a chalet would be sooo much cheaper. BUT I DONT CARE! I wanna treat myself gooooddd.. and fuck la, who gets trashed at chalet nowadays??

SO HERE is the list of hotels i have in mind.. i can google it every now and then to check on rates and maybe bug Fad to bring me to view the rooms (hell for the fun of it)

The Scarlet
gorgeous sexyyy room!
small
lobby is GOD DAMN SEXYY
ugly swimming pool
quite ex for suites
Wanderlust ****
STUDIO!!! $400!!
UNIQUE
UNIQUE
UNIQUE
UNIQUE!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE ITT
Hotel Re
M00N
because the beds are jap styled!!
Quincy
Damn fancy!
pool is 24hrs!!
ORCHARD!! = nice view
Marina Bay Sand
hell just for the view and the pool
Fullerton One
M Hotel
Fragrance

OK JOKE on the last one...

BUT HEE!! the thoughts of it making me all excited!!

THE 2nd last weekend of March 2011, WAIT FOR ME!!

Hey minah

2010-10-19T01:11:00.003+08:00

OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!

I have always seen myself as a person who doesn't care about what people think of me. They have to accept me as who i am.

Until recently..

I was offended that I was called a Minah.

Yep.

Ok. So i am.

BUT THIS TIME ROUND, it OFFENDED ME. OFFENDED ME.

I actually went around facebook and pointing to every picture of a malay girl and telling myself, NI LEBIH TERUK DARI AKU! ape yg minah sgt pasal aku?

it is in me n perhaps even influenced by the people i hang around with!

this time round, i actually stopped and thought about it...

maybe i should tone it down a tad.

I cant be DEMURE. its my characteristic that i am boisterous. Maybe I shud limit my vulgarities.

BUT FUCK, the word FUCK itself gives so many expressions!

the scariest realisation that came out of this??

I actually want to change to please you. *gasp

of course, it will do good to myself too.

you have to know that i am terribly hurt and taken aback by his, "Ni la aku benci pasal dia mcm ......"

it made me wonder, what is that in me that you love? what is that in ME that made you stay?

I have to admit i do have a list of the things I HATE about you. but from that list what i could come up is that, i have to accept it. even though it pisses me to hell i just have to find ways to accept it.

where did the fun times go? where did all the teasing, tickling go b?

I guess we reached to the stage where "farting loudly"is no longer embarrassing.

7 more days

2010-10-17T00:06:00.002+08:00

Somehow somewhat this holiday thing is getting on our nerves.

its definitely a challenge for us. Financially and emotionally.

YES it is exciting!

I wanna get drunk, i wanna relax, i wanna partaaayyyy, i want spa, i wanna tan, i wanna swim, i wanna-wanna..

I told Fad something rather depressing.. Ok, a party killer really. But its just sharing of my thoughts. OR SO I THOUGHT. I knew how he was going to react but i told him anyways.

I was thinking i am going to leave nuryna for 5 days... what if i dont return?

he flipped. he went on and on and on and on. If i am thinking something SOOOO negative why the fuck do i even bother leaving home.

true.

For myself, its just truly something random. That means I am aware of my life.

Oh yes, I know how to enjoy. I enjoy to the maximum. If i say i go ALL OUT. usually i do. even if i dont say it most of the time i enjoy. I know how to party. (my mom's hate this trait of mine. LOL)

He didnt find it very random though. At this point of blogging, he is still fuming mad. *shrug*

Look. I am a mother. I love my girl loads, i cant help it. She's a part of me. Separation scares me. I AM A GIRL. I AM VERY EMOTIONAL. I AM bit INSECURE.

AND EVERYONE THINKS OF DEATH ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, NO?

I wanted to tell him to shut up, even if i dont say it out loud, it happens.

ITS JUST ME, BABY!

pfft.

On a happier note, i feel so happy, i feel like packing my bag now. HAHAHA. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO BRING. I AM A SUCKER AT PACKING THINGS.

Thanks to An, he loaned me his backpack. Telling me to be verryyyy veryyyy manja with the bag.

which remind me of a little tease last night. I told Fad to have a look at the bag. But i was too lazy to pick it up. and he went yar yar its fine, even before taking a look at it. thats why i like him, he is so silly like that. :)

after seeing the bag, apparently its an expensive bag. boy, what do i know. It feels too manly for me.

I STILL DONT KNOW WHAT TO BRING.

we are still quite clueless on the itinerary. my plans? drink, sun, swim, relax, dance.

cant wait to see the resort...!!! tu paling penting for me!!! can we please please soak in the tub before anything??? hahahaha

lemme post some pic of the resort. JAKUN!! even google chrome has automatically link me to the web when i type B A A. HAHAHHA

the family suite living room. most prolly where one of the boys gonna sleep at teehee

SWAN TOWELS!!!

ok da bye. :)

MAMA SAID LETS GO Sentosa!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-10-04T00:26:00.003+08:00

I have been meaning to bring the girl out to sentosa. and ever since that lil promise i made to her, she kept asking me when.

and seeing that it was my off day and a weekend (nevermind that i slept at 6am or that i hasnt had any proper sleep since i was on night the last 4 days) i decided to bring her to sentosa!

At first i wished i had someone else to tag along. any extra help will be appreciated! I wished I had another kid so that Nuryna had a friend to play with. Then I wished I had a husband so it would be a nice family outing.

But fuck all that, quoting my mother and aunty, "Yg sudah tu sudah. kalo org tu da out of the game, he's out of your mind" Not really thinking of having BURN around. but i just wished i had a partner, you know...

We showered and packed. I even brought along water bottle, mee goreng, a raincoat & a jacket for nana! (GASP!)

With the mindset that TODAY i was going to spend time with my girl. Today it will be OUR day.

Mom dropped us at Outram Park, thank God, the journey and changing trains would take so much of our time...!

When we reached at the monorail station i took brochures and wondered what we should do first.

AMAZINGLY, even though this was so last minute, we managed to do everything on time. We get to catch the Dolphin at 4:30pm show, got the explore Underwater world. Bought tickets to Song of the seas, took a walk to Imbiah Lookout, bought 4D tickets, had tidbits, caught the 4D for awhile because nana freaked out at the guns and the effects. (i wished i had a boy, so we could do Desperados and extreme log ride and he wouldnt be crying at gun shots. My son better not be a scardy cat!!!)

we went back to beach station and rushed to get out snacks and Oscar toy. Enjoyed tremendously at the laser show! went back to Imbiah Lookout to ride The Tiger Tower and then because Mama LOVES the luge so much, we rode it down back to the Beach Station.

Nuryna was obviously tired but thankfully she didnt whine that much because she was excited about everything! and i didnt lose my temper!

Even though i feel that i spend more than i intentionally wanted to spent, i feel very satisfied and happy. Reaching home, she gave me a long big hug and said I LOVE MAMA! and it was all worth it... i have been busy with work and my own social life, today's outing was just about the two of us. After all, anak satu je oi....

I wonder what else we can do on my next impromptu outing.............. :)

AND WE HAVE TWO MORE MONDAYS TO PASS BY BEFORE WE FLY OFF TO PHUKET!!! SEXCITED MUCH!!! Hotel have been booked and Fad and I more or less discussed what we can do over there!! And with the people i will travelling with, I'll bet there will be.. unpredictable!!!

till the next angin kus-kus untk blog! BYEEE

Round the corner

2010-09-05T22:17:00.002+08:00

Raya is jus around the corner and i havent even done anything.

My mom actually went through my tsunami of a room. What i have to do is to change my bedsheets, my curtains and clean up the side table and make-up table. Which m

ost probably be done on my off day. Is it one day away?? Not to sure.

Usually I would my roster in my mind already but after switching shifts and back-to-back, i really cant remember what my shifts are.

Here I am staring and my "baju kurung" and wondered what i was thinking when i choose it. Oh well..

I will be working on the first day of raya but i did get my off day on the eve. I think that would be sufficient. at least I am there, you know. Eve of raya is always a gathering at nenek's.

I am still wondering if i should give the kids packet money. I have never given them and i am not sure if i could afford it. maybe the closes ones. i dont know. we shall see how. Rezeki budak2 yg dapat la kan. hurhurhur

hmm

i did have something to blog about just now but got so distracted. (HEE. i cherish every phone call from you!) so good night!!

pre-raya shopping

2010-09-03T02:14:00.002+08:00

back frm shopping!!

very happy girl. happy got my shoe and make-up. and a perfect date w the most wonderful companion! Cheesy right! But i had so much fun. we didnt quarrel, we laughed alot, we manage to not get into each other's hair (pun not intended)

it felt as if it was sooo long ago we had such dates. the saturday roaming around dates.

i can't help myself but fall all over again in love with him. :D

my jealousy didnt get the better of me and i like honesty and trust.

but this year we arent wearing matching colours. in fact our colours are so far apart. he chosen purple randomly and im wearing cream. but it doesnt really matter. well this is wat i feel.. i am sooooo thankful to celebrate yet another raya with him.

I made him buy geek specs. which made him so irresistibly cute with the hair. (if u cant beat him join him)

next up.. our holiday!

HELLLOOO!!

2010-09-01T16:03:00.002+08:00

YOWZAAA!

It has been so long!!!

And i have actually logged into blogger a few times but got distracted so much! MUAHAHA.

Lemme light a cigarette before i start.

A few things on my mind but i just cant seem to blog it down!

WHERE SHOULD I START!

well, syawal is NEARR!! HOMGGGG!! A week, eh?

Tak feeling sangat la tahun ini.

And pat on my back, can? I manage to fast a few days!

Hello, quite an accomplishment, ok. For years, I keep thinking I can't. The nicotine whispered much evilness to me. HEH. But this year I manage! HAHAAH.

Anyway.

I cant remember what is the colour of my baju this year. I have not gotten my shoes. I can't be bothered with accessories. Maybe shall do it with the boy tomorrow. I have a feeling he will be the one ending up with more things than I do. HAA.

erm.

*blogger's block*

MANE CALIFORNICATION EHH!!

ape lagi eh? entah ah. takde pape exciting dlm hidup. kwn pon boleh gi mampos uh. da tak kuasa lagi aku wei.

k thx byeeeee

Holidayy

2010-07-22T17:49:00.002+08:00

I don't know how we started planning for a well-deserved holiday but its going to happen!!

For one thing I want to stay TO BE A TOURIST.

then again that's just me. Working at a call-centre made me bitchy to all the other operators. I actually find the joy of calling them for the fun of it. Working with mobiles, made me wanting so many mobiles. (BUT amazingly i stuck to my pathetic SE for awhile. UNTIL the battery got bloated!!)

i guess it started with wanie and i making a pinky promise to go for a holiday at least every other year. then with an unplanned meet-up, her husband, iqah and myself got ourselves discussing about it. and ta-da, we got the dates down, flight and accommodation almost settled.

i dropped the bomb at my mother while we were at the airport. my grandmother went off for her own impromptu "holiday"..

(my family, they never planned but they got shocked when I had an unplanned pregnancy... HAHAHAHA JOKE)

mom was like ok.

then i tell my grandmother and she started telling a story on how she know someone who lost his kids at thailand.

-_-

then mom went FANATIC on me.

yes, i must admit it will be a challenge to bring a kid on a holiday on my own.

Of course I will have wanie, sabri and iqa to help me out. I know she will still be my responsibility at the end of the day. I know how clingy she can be.

But one thing for sure, I CAN AND WILL ENJOY MYSELF even with MY DAUGHTER AROUND.

we planned the holiday so much so to suit a family. Yes, we are young and we do seek adventure but we are still in the right mind to keep it safe and fun for a kid too.

my mom told me to go on my own and leave nuryna in singapore. Quote her, "Ko gi la sendiri! Nanti ko nak club la, minum la, nanti anak kau mcm mane??"

very interesting mom. Thank you for the suggestion.. i had little devil's horn sneaking out when i hear that. Then my heart sinked because i really wanted this holiday for US. For nuryna and me.

I dont understand her sometimes. If i had told her i wanted to go phuket and i will not bring nuryna, she will go on about how i should behave like a mother. Now I want to bring the girl, she asks me to leave her behind and go party..

I told iqa and sab and they were like WHAT!! WHYY!!!

that made me happy. that was enough for me to stay warm and feel loved.

I still want to bring the girl so i have to prepare a debate with mom. because we are settling flights and accommodation by end of this month. (talk about impromptu and fast)

if i cant bring her along, i dont see the point. Iqa has arul along, wanie will be with her husband and nfb gotten a big stone sitting in his hair that he WONT want to follow. (jus because i didnt want to follow to kl last year. pft)

im really excited for this... but now we have a little glitch.... :(

(i dont know why i start the entries and then end it hanging.... tetiba malas. haaaaa)

till then.. HEE

NONG NONG TIME AGO

2010-07-20T04:03:00.002+08:00

*blows dust off blog*

seem to be very busy. But I've been at twitter as usual. Shiok la twitting on the go. Its like talking to myself.
I wouldn't know what I'd be if I had no Broadband on my handphone. I'll probably...die? *gasp

It is 4am and I am at work. I shouldn't be blogging I still have quite a few things to do. But a little blogging wont hurt.

I did have a couple of things to blog about but i either got distracted or that I grew tired of being online.

I dont even know what to update. And just a short while ago while smoking I thought i had a few things on my mind and excitedly went back in the office to blog.
Now, I forgot.
Gee.

Everything seems good.
*nods*

erm.
Nuryna is turning FIVE next week. wow.
I did get emotional (4 hours ago) about it.
How i realise that she is turning FIVE but there is nothing too special about this birthday.
I blame myself partly. I didnt seem to see the importance of having a party. Who should i invite?
And after 2 birthday parties that was DIDNT happen, i.. gave up on planning.
Suddenly, a huge pang hit me that she wouldnt be getting presents. Like the other kids who had birthday parties.
So. Wow.
I don't have much of friends left.. So. Yeah.

If this is what my life is, I have dissapointed my own values and goals. I thought I should look out for someone who love and care for Nuryna as much as I do. But no. I didnt. BOY OH BOY.

fuck almost 5am! GTG

2010-06-12T07:37:00.001+08:00

Whatever happens to dreams?
Whatever happened to ambition?

Here I am, suddenly awake because I recalled of the things I missed out doing before I end the shift.
And then I recalled talking to one of my colleagues. The same guy who got through the first interview with me. The same guy who got the job together with me.

I have always believed in being in a job that I love doing. I had no education certificate to.. qualify for a good job.
On a different day, I would quarrel to say that even those who has a certificate to show, aren't actually employed in the same line they actually studied for. For what fuck the certificate and the 3 years of "education", beats me. But they still end up in the higher, more acceptable network that I do.

Eversince I started here, I have pushed many things away from me. The job strained all my relationships. My relationship with my parents. My relationship with Nuryna. My relationship with NFB. My relationships with my friends. I don't even know how to answer to the question, "How's your new job?" without kicking myself a little.

I gave up once. I fell down and practically hid for a day just to dissapear from this thoughts. I am LUCKY that they took me back in.

Even to type this entry out and pour my hearts out seems difficult for me.

I see myself as a failure now.

Maybe my mother was right. The salary is nothing compared to the time I will miss in Nuryna's growth. I have ignored her, thinking she is just being annoying and not understanding.

This year, I put my job first before everything else. I have to have a job where I can grow. Not just stucked in a desk for years at the same level with the same mealsy pay.

BUT. This. Is. Mentally and physically exhausting.

I know it doesn't take much to cheer me up. I know I can focus on what's good and just kick it. I know I can turn any ANY horrible thoughts in my head into positivity in just seconds. I amuse myself very easily.
Any of my customer can be a big asshole and I know it won't affect me. I know that it a matter of an hour or so, that asshole wouldn't be much on my mind.
Now, I am not that sure anymore. I am not that cheerful anymore.
I step out the house and I dread so much of the travelling time. Thats number one. If my shift starts at 1:30pm, i need to wake up at 10am. Get out the house by 11:45am. Take the train, the latest by 12noon or risk missing my shuttle at 1pm. If I miss that I am screwed. The only fastest way to get into the island would cost me $4.. And that if I am lucky! Most taxis doesnt want to go into the island! And then rush to get change and if i miss the island shuttle, I am basically late.
Of course, I got used to the timings now. And I am proudly to say, haven't screwed up much as I did the first month working there.
But all that rushing, fucked me up. I have to wear a watch. (GASPPP)
Number two. I am on my fucking toes everyday. I realise last evening, that I haven't done much but have done everything else.
Any, ANY screw up, I am dead. Maybe I just don't like dealing with money. Money is evil. I am honest about my float but I can't trust anyone near it. And that's only float issues. If i screw up on other things, its equal to giving off my salary away.
Ok, maybe I can be careful. I am already frowning at my screen every other day trying to stop any mistakes from happening. Because, boy, we are not humans, we are robots. Any things in regards to money, mistakes can only be done once. Obviously it was only logical to think of it that way.
And thats only half of it, we have to handle every other thing as well. Which oh dear God, don't even get me started. I don't even know where to start. Let's jus say I walk around with my pen and paper ready so I won't forget shit. That is the reason I suddenly woke up now because shit haunted me in my dreams.
Number three. Like my own life, I was kinda forced to grow up. I pitied my fellow colleagues for struggling with everything. I wanted to help. I felt useless that I couldnt help. So I watched and learned. But honestly, I go back every night and wondered what have I learned. I am still watching but now, I am just wondering if I want to grow, I gotta buck up. Which is rather exciting and challenging. Then I just wish the floor would come and swallow me up because of this nagging voice that asks me What have I learned that makes me think I can grow? I have done nothing much in my job accept echoing the others footsteps.
To put it in a better view, I have been working blindly being of course led by the blind. The blind not because they themselves do not know their jobs. But they have been working for YEARS and every thing to them was routine. Maybe it was my mistake for not asking questions. Or is it theirs that they lacked in proper training? I don't think I was the only one who struggled. There are people before me who did and survived and of course, people who didnt survive. There are people after me as well who is trying to cope the way things are around there. Yes, it is a fast pace environment. If you don't get up and chase, you fall and get trempled off. Easy said.. No body was free enough to come and pull you aside and give you some school-like training to make you grow up. If you can't do fast, the hotel deft is not a place for you. I am not saying I can't be fast, I adjusted well, didnt I? I just felt that because I am working with people who been working for YEARS, the questions I asked are sometimes brushed away or given a WTF look. And I can't come out with questions until a situation hits me because there are so many scenarios to be played with.To be on the ball and work it. It got me on the ball but it got be going home frustrated with myself thinking why didnt I asked. There was no body else to blame but myself at the end of the day.
Number four. Everyone else is leaving. E V E R Y O N E E L S E is leaving. Isn't that scary? It is fine if a couple of people left. People have to move on. But this was getting out of hand. Everyone from every department tendered. And what does that tells me? The people who worked for years all suddenly at once decided, Hey I got bored of this job, maybe there are many other choices out there that can make me grow? There was something going on that wasn't too good. Are they saving their asses before the ship sunk???

I live on "Keep trying. Never Give up" Thats the only thing that is keeping me going. (that and of course the fact that I can be going WELL! fuck it all! I shall sit home and shake my legs!) (which is, btw, my other motto in life, "Fuck one. Fuck you. Fuck it all)
But all this is eating me up. I am blaming myself of course. That I am slow, I cant keep up, I cant adjust, I am dumb, I.. never change.

Another side of my mind is telling me that this is killing me.
I am working 9 hours a day, 5 or sometimes 8 days straight with no off. My travelling time is taken up by 2 hours a day. And here I am awake because I am soo disturbed by all this thoughts.. Healthy? Welcome to REALITY?
I don't know. I know life is tough but there is something wrong somewhere if I wake up every day thinking there is still something missing. I was very on about this hospitality career. And by the history and look of things, I never give up until I get what I want.
Is this pure weakness?
Is this another weak Malay mentality of failure? That I freak out at the sign of difficulties?

*shrug*

Ps. NFB if you are reading... No, I dont need any sarcasm, retorts, "see I told you so", name calling shit. I am very much tired of everything else so please, PLEASE don't start this on me. THANKS.

EQ tests

2010-06-09T00:04:00.004+08:00

Have always been intrigued by EQ tests. And if I ever do need to take one for interviews, I would obviously lie through it; tick whatever seems appropriate, y'know. (bet I am not alone. hmph)

But since I am feeling miserable as I already am and bored like HELL so I decide to go search for them.

The first one was very short. It gave me "You got 50% correct". That pissed me off. I thought there were no right wrong answers. -_- And then sub titled, (in red, wtf) "Your EQ is below average"

What does it mean below average! I just passed it at 50%!
Besides that, it did get some points right. I closed the browser so HAHA, i can't share what it actually said... (If i do, would people start tormenting my emotional values?? GASP!)

The 2nd one is bit longer and work related...
But quote this,

We spend countless hours in our given roles - sometimes without much joy or satisfaction. In the process we become tranquilized by the trivial. Sedated by the small details of life. Sure, the laundry needs doing, the groceries need getting, the kids need chauffeuring, the deadlines must be knocked off, but we also need to stop and remember what gives us great joy and meaning. If we fail to remind ourselves (on a regular basis), we risk becoming hostile and cynical. We lose our purpose.

HMM.

The third one wasted 20 minutes of my time and then told me i had to pay for it. I was being very honest on that one. What a waste. _|_

OH! and don't you sometimes go playing around the cursor between two answers??
LUCKY they don't prompt things like, "Are you sure? Because you wanted to click on Disagree but now you change you mind.... Why? Are you sure you now Agree to the question? Didn't you instinctively wanted to click on Disagree just now........."

And now I've grown tired... We shall play it another day..

But yes, yes... I do find it hard to talk about emotions and I follow my emotions instead of my head..

Fuck the things about changing the way I see things. I am human on a roller coaster.
Well, not tonight anyway. Not this year...
Hit me..

xoxo

Eye am sad

2010-06-08T19:41:00.006+08:00

I have never been a person who was afraid of doctors, injections or surgeries.

You could say I have a high tolerance level for pain. Pain is of course, pain. But I don't cry. Its just an injection, its just a surgery..

But boy, did I have a rude awakening this year. Its one thing to go "under the knife" with anesthesia but a whole new level without it.

Anesthetic is the best medicine ever created. I would love to get high with it. The feeling god-damn awesome. And then you black-out and when you wake up its over. Simple!!

So. The first thing was to do it without the anesthetic.
You know how it felt? Words is not enough to tell you how I really felt. 10 minutes but.... whoa.
Its all in the mind. It really was.

The doctor well-explained to me what was going to happen. I searched over the net to see what would happen.

But when it happened, I wished I was blacked out. All I could do was cringe and bear with the pain. Bear with it. Bear with it over 10 minutes. I had little echoing voices telling me what the doctor was doing to me. I was well and conscious. I was... freaking out.

After all that, I just hugged myself.. It was that horrible.

I am fine with people prodding me with needles. I know that my veins are bit hard to find during blood tests. (Fat?) So I was used to it.

To have it near your eye, so god damn close to your eyes was..... shocking.

The doctor would pat me on my back if I wasnt lying down, he was telling me, "Only brave people dare to do this"
And I thought he was just giving me comfortable advises before injecting me. My mind changed in a short 5 seconds once the needle was in. I would kick and curse but I was so shocked even the bitchy side of me was silent...

I have never whimpered or cried but oh my goodness... my tongue was tied and all I could do was whimper. On other circumstances, if you could hear how my mind works, its nothing but vulgarities. But just now... even in my head, I couldnt conjure anything vulgar.

I was traumatised.

I would have written up something against the nurses in the clinic on any other day just because I am cranky, difficult customer. But today, I sat outside the clinic with the patch on my left eye, horribly shaken.. I didnt have a bed to hug myself.

It was so horrible. To say it was painful was an understatement. I just sat there. And the feeling I had was neither pain or anger. Its... this fucking feeling so horrible.

NFB obviously chided at me for being stubborn and 'serves you right's. Mom was being nice, even gave me panadols just in case I get fever later. She obviously saw how shaken I am so.. anak first kan, mesti la manja.. hurhur.
Iris nicely advised to me on facebook. which she has done before when we were still working together. Bestie also told me to stop with the lenses and scolded me for depending on it for confidence. With or without the lenses, I am still me.

Which is rather hard to swallow.

I HAVE BEEN WEARING LENSES SINCE I WAS 15! Lenses are like.... i dont know.. my walking stick! Without it, I feel totally handicap. (which if you think about it is true.. My degrees are shooting to 400 now.. which means anything a hand reach away is a total blur to me.)
With my lenses I feel so much prettier, so much braver, so much bitchier, so much flirty-er. If I am a bimbo with lenses, I would be a downright blur sotong with my spectacles!

I am so miserable. I am trying to cheer myself up by telling myself I could buy new spectacles. (tapi yg the current one sayang i beli kan sei. ;p ) BUT DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THEY COST OR NOT! Spectacles so.. limited like that. If I have to (well, i got not much choices now, do i?) I have to have like many pairs so I can pick one that matches my bag, my shoe, my mood!! AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A PAIR COSTS OR NOT???

FML.

Anyway...
I want this...

this are from Faceaface. I want. i dont care. I shall buy it even though shipping would cost more. HAHAH

or this one from Donna Karan.

I like goggles. hurr

sad slap.. I cant wear shades no more..

On a different subject totally...

Shortly after the drama about my eyes,

Definition of hot..

Bless these beautiful people *whistles*

Till then! xoxo

Hey barbiee

2010-06-02T19:01:00.002+08:00

Currently listening to: Lil Wayne's Knockout

WIND UP!

Listening to gwuud dancedancee songs to get hyper good for work later.

I have a few hours to kill and instead of doing my brows, I decide to blog a bit.

See see...
hmmm..

Bit of pictures yeah?

Saturday me and lil gal went to some computer awareness programme conducted by North East CDC. We were late.
I realise I don't know how to use the new Microsoft Word or the new Microsoft Powerpoint! EEK. still very kecok.
But what was awesome was that the computer class had MAC!
RICH OR WAT!
But using windows laa.. which was not a surprise..

Both of us were wearing Threadless tee. CUTE KAN. HAHA

I told off this primary 2 kid for cutting queue.. ALL FOR THIS BALLOON!
I was very suave and "heroic". The other parents didnt dare to tell the kid off and the other kids were too afraid of the kid because he was from the school.
Even though my girl was 8 people behind, I was still pissed.
But because he was a KID, i had to be polite and make it sound as if it was sunshine and cookies.
He didnt budge. Not even when the clown told him off...!! Or when the other parents tsk-tsk at him!
So when i found out that HIS brother had 3 other sword balloons, i went to the brother and told him nicely (i was boiling mad, ps) "You have THREE balloons, your brother is queuing for another, would u be nice and give one for the little girl who have been WAITING IN QUEUE from just now?"
He gave me an evil look but ended up giving me because I AM BIG, YOU ARE SMALL, I AM AN ADULT, YOU ARE A KID.
(i know i'm a bit too much... but learn some manners. and i bet you he hasnt learn ANY even after my sweet talk with him)

In between the class, I went to see if the queue for the balloons has shorten and indeed it has. So i told Nuryna to take the sword balloon that I have wickedly took from a 10 year old boy and look for him to give it back.
She did so and told him Thank you. He was ecstatic to get it back. (he has 4 now.. tsk) We queued again for our own balloon.
That means for the computer class, we were only there 40% of the time while the rest of the time, we went exploring the school, eating breakfast which was provided and queuing up for the (bloody) balloon.

Afterward we end up slowing taking the circle line home.. and went to Expo..

I want this bag.
Yep u read that correctly. I WANT THIS BAG!
Charlie and Lola FTW.
I love lola!!
Nuryna just wanted it because it was pink and well, it is charlie and lola. and that mummy was going OMG OMG! ITS CHARLIE AND LOLA!!
We didnt buy it because i think its too big and nana has one too many bags anyway.

but I want it........................

Night shifts are chilling.. Once you got all the reports done, you are practically free...
Since I am under training, there are 2 night shift-ers. So Nad and I spend our time chit-chatting and smoking at the buggy.

I wasnt feeling good so I went to see the doctor after work. SPENT 2 FUCKING HOURS HUGGING MYSELF BECAUSE IT WAS SOO COLD..

ANYWAY.

Besides all this, I am "boy-friend-less" a bit.
For God knows what the cause was.
I... really don't know how to react already.
For all I know I have not even do anything wrong.
BUT GOSH! I MISS HIM ALREADY!

I miss you for no reasons, but I just fucking miss you la NFB!

Hiatus

2010-05-31T11:22:00.003+08:00

I may not be blogging as much as before. Too tired to blog..

But!

I am still active online!

You can find me on :

Twitter

Facebook

Tumblr

Almost June..

2010-05-24T01:32:00.002+08:00

Almost half a year...

I don't know when this annoying question starts popping every time June comes along: So what have I achieve so far?

I guess it came along with age and the additional candles on the cake.. A little note, Ps. How has the year been for you? (Thank goodness I wasn't borned mid-year.. it would be rather depressing...)

SO SO SO!

This means I have been in my current job for 3 months. Pat on the back. Yes, I almost given up. Not because I couldn't handle the pressure of the job but because... well the shifts have been particularly a challenge. A challenge for little girl to adjust. In fact for the both of us to adjust.
(beat bush)
But! Somewhat "adjusted".

Am I happy? Am I pleased? Do I feel like something is incomplete?

I'm glad to say that I am no where near depression.. Of course I have my bad days but life is like that.

Good half a year I must say...

And... i like this phrase very much,

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

and yes... anything bad shall pass...

My glass is half full at the moment =]
____________________

Just signed Nuryna's report card.. She need improvement in her reading and vocabulary in Malay. Soooo.... Yeah, we will work on that.

I just find it funny that she only got Good for "tip-toe", "running" and "crawling through a tunnel"...
shouldn't she be graded Very Good?
What does Good means?

Otherwise than that. things have been good.. :)

well well well

2010-05-17T21:02:00.006+08:00

Whenever I say Well, well, well I have this image on my mind. HURHUR

Blog entries here are pretty much boring. By the time I find the time to do it, I cant remember what I wanted to blog...

ANYWAYS.

Nuryna's teachers held a Parent-Teacher Sharing Session today.
I love how cheerful and motherly her kindergarden teacher is.
I came and didnt have to wait... Immediately her teacher start showing Nuryna's portfolio. With her picture on the file and her name..

(She just told me her class is Violent 1. )

And her teacher enthusiastically talked about my daughter. She told me that academically, Nuryna had no difficulties. She could jump, hop and run very well. BUTTT (there is always a but) Nuryna doesnt participates in discussions or group work. While other kids raises their hands and answer, she is one of the few that doesn't.
Her teacher also feels that she is rather shy when she is approached by the teachers for one-on-one but she interacts well with the other kids.

Mdm Hafizah also tells me that Nuryna prefers to paint during their free play time. And she is very impressed at how well Nuryna cleans up after her paintings.

Which is surprising to me because she always whine and throw tantrums when asked to clean up at home.

Mdm Hafizah mostly emphasized on Nuryna's lack of participation during group work.
I asked is it due to her being absent?
Most probably. She would come back and the class would be doing another topic. Mdm Hafizah continued assuring me that she is better than the first few months in school but is afraid she would be quiet again when school reopens after the holidays.

AH. ok.

Still am wondering what i could do to help her be more participative in class activities...

Any suggestions??

Overall I was very impressed with the pictures (where the hell does the teachers get all the time to take pictures???) and the folio.

My nose is driving me crazy.. But if i switch off the fan it is so fucking humid..!!! AND THIS IS MAKING ME MAD.

Talk about mad, I was browsing facebook. Like duh. Everyone browses facebook everyday. BESIDES THE POINT. I came across a Wall Post about a friend getting engage in 2 weeks time.
Some kind of friend that is, I didnt know one shit.

I have been quiet and calm enough when my text messages wont replied. Calm enough that even a little joking comment was completely ignored.

What the fuck have I done wrong?

And fuck really, if someone who is reading this and know who I am talking about, go ahead and reach this to her: I AM UPSET THAT I DONT KNOW SHIT.

I know all this from little birdies.

GEEZ!! I shouldnt be so upset because really why should I care if the other party doesnt??
This just probably means I STILL DO CARE ABOUT MY FRIENDS.

Oh. I apologize for being so busy with work.
But wait didnt I TEXT?
Oh yes, we all have our own lives to live and you being so fucking busy with the engagement stuff and all. I totally get it. PLUS you live so far away from the rest of us...

BUT IT WAS SUCH A WARM FEELING TO BE READING IT ON A WALL POST OF OUR MUTUAL FRIEND. WHO YOU WOULDNT KNOW IF I WERENT FOR ME.

I really hate hate to bring back all the old stories...

Well congratulations for your engagement but no I wont come even if you invite me. Wouldnt it be too late??? The engagement is in two short weeks away. And dont fucking give me reasons like it was Only For Family because I clearly read it as "you are invited ok"
SUWEEETT

Fuck off ok "friends" fuck off..

As if I dont know that I am never invited to anything because I have a daughter. Because I am different. That is SUWEET, my dear friends. SUWEET! to think that friends suppose to stick by each other.

eargh.

Im going to bed and rub my nose until my nose hair drops off...

erm

2010-05-17T01:51:00.001+08:00

ERM

DO YOU TUMBLR??

See you there, loves! ;)

2010-05-12T00:13:00.002+08:00

Just feel like blogging.

But I don't know where to start.

let's go random.

I'm too lazy to upload pictures yeah, soo.......... wordy entry ahead. and too lazy to be typing properly so fuck you lalat.

i dont know.

it has been all work for me. a bit of fun squeezed in after work, off days so i wont go crazy.

i miss my little girl very much. i havent got the chance to spend one-on-one day with her eversince i started working here. oh yes, im guilty. but i'm hoping i could save enough to bring her around sentosa. i mean she is old enough now to do alot of activities around the island. and yeah, it would be for my work purpose to so i could more or less understand the attractions.

THERE IS ALOT ALOT OF THINGS I WANNA DO!! i just cant seem to find the time to do it. Or well the money..

oh! i know! i could make a list! HERE GOES!

i want a new cabinet before raya.
which is quite impossible now that i cant even save enough in a month. bleargh and raya comes real early this year
a whole day spent with the girl at sentosa
like when?? I would love to book a night stay as well so we wont tire ourselves. and it would be a perfect little getaway nearby..
a little holiday maybe.. the two of us? bali? batam? somewhere near?
to get my own HOUSE. FUUCCKKK
new wardrobe means new clothes right?? for me and the girl!!
lasik surgery. pls
since we are at surgery, breast implants, mebbe? HAHA
a car
license before the car of course
insurance... really... whatever would happen to my girl if i die? or whatever schemes la that could help her if i die... my brain is not functioning and i couldnt be bothered to look up for the proper term
*blush* i wang to get married again. i want to sleep in someone's arm. i want to come home and talk about my day to someone special. (i want a family. i want another baby)
but looking at the way things are at the mohment....... nah~

hmm will continue more.. at the moment this is it.. and... i can do it if i put my mind to it.

RIGHT!

nights

Monday off day!!

2010-05-10T08:54:00.002+08:00

Happy Mother's day to all the mummies!!

Finally found some little time to blog..

This is what Nuryna did in school for mother's day...

Finally got to see it with my own eyes today.. Proud to say she is the unique one w her masterpiece in the middle of the board.. AND O'COZ, "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER, MUMMY"
^_^
the other kids were same old shit like You are pretty. You are very pretty. happy mother's day. I love you mummy. BUT MAH GIRL, NOOOO.... BEST FRIEND TAUUU. gila babs kepe.. *beam*

hmm.. what have i been up to besides work??
Sheesa outing with colleagues.. Hard Rock Hotel for colleague's birthday.. Whole day with the boy.. Dinner with the cousin.. Mother's day celebration/ Mona's birthday celebration yesterday...

Today is my off day and will go sleep somemore after this... then off to work place to get my measurements for MY own set of uniforms.. Sucky that even on my off day i gotta come to work..

yeah.. tomorrow back to STRAIGHT WORK till the next monday.
BLECH.

tu je ah. till then. ciow bella.

school!

2010-04-24T00:50:00.002+08:00

When we went to Nuryna's new school nearer to our block, I was very happy that the school was colourful and the vibe of fun is there. On the other hand, Mom thinks its a very messy school.

I love it that Nuryna brings back pieces of art for me. Mom thinks its junk.

But both of us agree that its a good school because they organise alot of trips for the kids.

It has only been 4 months but my girl have been to ALOT of places with her class.
Its really great that they took the meaning, LEARNING OUTSIDE THE CLASSROOM literally.

Somethings can't be learnt through textbooks..

As far as I could see the teachers are fun and friendly, often greeting my girl by name, "Hello Nuryna." "Good morning Nuryna" (U are late again Nuryna...)

I came home just now and my sister told me there's a letter from school about sports day.
And Nuryna wants everyone in the family to participate.

My first reaction was NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO..

I have never been very athletic.
Well, I stop being athletic when i started smoking. Though thats totally another story..

But after looking through the school's facebook page.....
(oh yes they have a page. and wonderfully updated with... updates AND pictures from the outings. and here, i went looking into pictures trying to see where my girl is. and then felt abit fucked up when i couldnt tag the photos. POUT) (Oh no, i didnt add it to my facebook. I would if my status updates are quotes from Mother Theresa or Ghandi or even Oprah... But my motto in life is "Fuck one, fuck all, fuck you..." which would prompt a visit from child-care services.. hohum)
.....

ANYWAY.. (focus. focus)

But after looking through the school's facebook page, I was thinking why the hell not?
I should take a day off and go have fun. Bond. (james bond) (WHAT? I HAD TO!) Know more about her school, her teachers, her school mate. Although I'll bet she will be different when I am around but the whole point of it all is to bond!

Yes, I should go participate the sports day.

But can I do it in heels? HURHUR

updates updates!!

2010-04-21T20:51:00.006+08:00

oh yes. too much words. here are some pictures that deserve some publishing...

Good days at work.. Good hair day, toilet breaks, lunch/dinner break. Very rare. Except for the swollen eye... -_-

The eye infection has been passed around since FEBRUARY! the last one is mother's eye. Teruk.com, no?

EVEN if my eye is swollen like eff, i still find the need to camwhore. HAHA.

Then i find its real scary so i made it black & white..
I could pass off like I'm 16. HAHAHA mau step cute jek sak. tsk.

OH AND YES..

I was making nuryna do her homework the other day. and she was really testing my patience. She wrote her name lazily so i made her write it again and again and again until it was neat enough.
I was also scolding her not to be lazy and nagging. (GASSPPP)
She was on the verge of crying but i kept on making her write her name neatly.

She have been missing out in school for about 3 weeks plus. She would be in school for one day but mc for the next 4, 5 school days. (that is also the reason I am broke.. sob sob)
Dan makin naik lemak tak nak belajar.

I was also telling her that her friends could write nicely already by now. I know this is not good motivation tactic but i am very old school.. whatever that is suppose to mean.

I was also quite upset that she hasn't got any of her works published..

I mean every parent would be so DELIGHTED AND PROUD to see their child's work being published!!! Here I was thinking that she must have missed alot in school that is why she didnt get any of her works published.... so i must be strict and make her write neatly and colour nicely!!!

The next day I picked her up from school again and to my surprise, i saw this:

I have seen this drawings outside her class for WEEKS. and I envied it. Only that day the teachers decided to put names on the art works..
and i was taken aback and very guilty for scolding her the night before.

HER ART WORK HAVE BEEN THERE FOR WEEKS.
and i have looked at it for weeks and I WONDERED WHO DREW THIS GIRAFFE.
I even had a thought, "Cute jugak. Pandai tulis Giraffe tapi name nye senget2....."

Kali anak aku punya, daaaa... mampos.

I asked her if she was the one who drew this and she nodded. I praised her alot. But I felt sooooo guilty...
Nonetheless, it was a very proud moment for me..

I've been very clumsy too...
i look like ive been abused. THAT and the swollen left eye...

saw this vespa. ADORABLE. but i wouldnt want it in silver.. so mepek like that. but CUTE OR WHAT!!

and i want this:
face-a-face frames!!! it has turn into a need because of the eye infection. HEE (GATAL)

k bye from both of us. till then.

Last note...
My mom.. GRR.
she just told me, "Who would want to date you? Who would want a divorcee with a kid? And come on, the boys your age would want nothing serious with you. So carry on being stupid and chasing them.."

I retort, "Who ever said I wanted to get married in the first place? Who said I want to marry the boy whom I am dating???"

FUUCKK.
But to tell you the truth, I am quite hurt by her words. CB.

Early years Education

2010-04-21T16:41:00.000+08:00

I received a phone call fron Nuryna's school this morning.

First thing that came to my mind was panic.
"DID I SEND HER TO SCHOOL OR NOT TODAY?"
"IS SHE SICK? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO MY LITTLE GIRL?"
"DID SHE GET INTO A FIGHT?" (You'll never know.....)

It was her teacher asking... about one thing or another that I couldn't recall now. And then she caught my attention when she said she has picked Nuryna to participate in a research of young children developments.
"She, alone?"
Now I was like, gee, is my child slow in school??
Her teacher said it wouldnt be her alone but amongst seven other chosen one.
Ah. Ok.
Would I mind?
No, I don't mind.

She carried on saying that "professors from NIE" will conduct a few activities to identify "learning process" between the children in classes.

Ah. Ok.

She will give Nuryna the letter and I could read through and sign the consent if I consent to the activities.

Ah. Ok.
Its a research and if my child could be of any help to "improve the future education", I don't see why I should say no.

There will be an interview for.. either parents. I said, "I'm the only parent." She cleared her throat but continues on about the interview and that they can conduct the interview with me to my convenience.

Ah Ok. That sounds good enough.

Only now that I have read the letter, I was like EHH. I wouldn't be the norm.
I am.. I would be the youngest parent.
I am divorced.

Sister said that makes us a perfect candidate for the research. Most probably there would be one out of seven kid that comes from a divorced family. Or one out of seven whose parents were.. young.

I don't know wheter I should feel comforted or more upset by that comment.

BUT its the truth.

I start to wonder what the interview would be like.
What questions are they going to ask?

What kind of "things" did I teach my daughter when she was younger?
ERRRR..

Sister was being very supportive of the idea of being in this research and plainly said, "We taught her alot of things, Kak. We bought her to the library. ETC ETC!!"

I am very curious and I am going to sign the consent. For I am very curious on how Nana is doing in school. Is she one of the top active students? Might be. With all the kids shouting at every corner of the school to bid her goodbye. Very popular this girl..
Or one of the least active students?
Of course, one parent would only think the best out of their kid and I know my girl is very bright.. But you'll never know where her weakness is.
At home, she's the only kid. The baby. How is her interaction with other kids in school? Is she anti-social? Is she very bossy? Is she a leader or a follower?

It brings back to how I bought her up..

I am questioning myself since the phone call itself, what did I teach her?
It felt like an instinct to bring her to the library. Just like a Lion teaching its cubs to hunt.
And no, I never force my daughter to anything she doesnt want to do.
I can't remember what I taught her.
I only can recall all the fun times I had with her on our outings. The both of us.
Of course there are activity books, colouring, counting and singing. But all of that to me, was like an instinct.
Parents have been doing that FOR YEARS. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary.
The "professors" would have to hear that from me and be dumb with it.

It would be interesting, I'll bet. And this would be another good experience for myself too.

ON ANOTHER HAND!
I am at home because I have conjunctivitis.. for a week already now. haiz.. gotta get some good rest. and blog more random stuff when i have the time.

Nesting

2010-04-19T21:04:00.002+08:00

I've been day-dreaming about getting a place of my own.

Of course, I can't afford to buy one or even maintain a house on my own now.

But the urge to have a home of my own is so strong..

I would want a 3 room flat. One room for me and one room for Nuryna. That's enough.

I would still want to live in the East side, if possible. But the idea of having a flat at North-East where all the "young families" are, sounds like a good idea too. Its like having to start anew. A new place, house of my own and everything new.

I would want a nice dark room. Wood. Low bed. A gorgeous vanity mirror. A new wardrobe with sliding doors. Art pieces. A computer table (I cant leave without the computer!!!) A new bookcase with new collection of books.

Nuryna would have her own bed, of course. (which if we will be living on our own, her bed won't be much of a use because I would still want her to sleep with me. HEHE) She could pick her own wardrobe, her own vanity mirror, her own study table, her own bookcase, her own carpet, her own curtains!! She could choose to have wallpapers or whatever colour she wants her room in.

The living room would be simple. Sofa, table and the entertainment system. Of course I would love to have the entertainment system hooked to the computer as well, so we could youtube at the tv, ya know.

I played with so many ideas and I just couldnt wait to get a house of my own.

But then the idea of living on my own scares me abit. I still depend on my parents for all the everyday necessities. And that's like a bonus and comfort!! If I move on my own EVERYTHING will be on ME! as if i earn enough.

ok i kinda earn enough but the idea of bills, groceries, laundry and more bills scares me. And if i move far from my family I need to find someone else to look after Lil Gal while I go to work.

AND I AM AFRAID OF THE NENEK KEROPOK!!

*nervous laughter*

At the moment though, I dont see the rush.

A step at a time. The nearest thing to settle this nesting instinct of mine is to revamp my own room!! I had fun looking around for wardrobes and so I have decide I should revamp my room. Only I don't know when I will have the time (or the money enough to splurge on a wardrobe I have in mind) to do it. I hope before raya!! (i have been saying this for a few years already.. *snort)

BUT GOSH! so many work to do!!! If I want to get a new wardrobe I need HELP to throw the old one. Help for all the millions of junk i have in the old wardrobe.
If i do get a new one, I might as well paint the room!! If I get a new wardrobe it means I have more reasons to shop for new clothes (HURHUR)

It sounds sooo exciting!!

We shall see how it goes.

Meanwhile I am bit high on painkillers. Ciow.

2010-04-01T00:21:00.000+08:00

And to whose expectations am I chasing?

And to whom am I trying to please??

haiiizz

2010-03-31T14:18:00.003+08:00

OMG. I cant believe I actually feel guilty that I have to take an emergency leave from work...

I actually quarrel with my mom about this. Nuryna has been sick since last week but I still go to work. I do feel guilty that i have been spending lesser time with nana. and worst, she is sick..

But today was an emergency I couldn't avoid. A relative passed away and Mother, grandmother are going to pay their respect. Since Nana is sick, its best she don't follow.
So I had to take an emergency leave.

I felt so guilty for reporting late. I could go to work even if nuryna is sick but today, a relative died... I didnt plan for that...

But I know they would curse me like hell...

EH in fact my nose have been itching like hell from jus now. I have this thing that whenever my nose itches, something bad is going to happen or is happening. Thats wat i think. but it may be mere coincidence...

They are short staff and a man down means it will be HELL at work. It also means some might hav to work extra hours. Its unfair. I already feel guilty when i get to go for breaks but the seniors dont get to go.

But my daughter is sick. has been sick...

And I know they would be thinking I am playing a fool since I asked for off on the 2nd and 3rd april and in the end i took 2 days leave to take care of my girl....
That means i would be having 4 days off work...!!

I dont know why i should care about what they might think...
perhaps because i dont want to jeopardize my job. i havent even been confirmed. and if my attendance is not good would they consider taking me??

On the other hand, I didnt plan for my daughter to be sick. I didnt plan that someone passed away and making it hard for getting a baby-sitter..

I worked when my grandfather got into a hospital when he got a stroke. He is still unwell but I am still working. I missed my cousin's solemnization. I am thankful they gave me off to see her at her wedding. I am going to miss another cousin's engagement.. I still go to work when my daughter had a high fever and is wheezing.

i wanted the job and i know i am going to miss million other things in the future...

But would they understand my situation? I doubt so. I didnt like the tone of voice given to me after i reported. I knew it is hard on them. It has been hard on me too. I doubt that even with the proper "documentation" they would still think all this was made up so i could have 4 days off...

sad.

these are one of the days i wonder if this is a right job for me........

while i want to chase my dream, my aims, there are other things I have to sacrifice... like the lesser time i spent with my daughter....

it is a tough situation to be in.
my parents are supportive but not understanding. they support the idea that i'm getting paid more but less understanding that it meant i had to work harder.

to them i care lesser about my daughter because i spent lesser time with her. my off days are spent to rest..

i cant say i am stressed about it.. but it does feel confusing...

i am not even half-way through my goal and no i wont give up...

but it is really really sad...

All i could wish is that my daughter would grow up and be thankful for it..

I am scared of becoming one of those parents that work so hard and hardly, hardly spent time with the family due to work commitments.....

I dont know what I am on about... I am confuse even though I already know what my choices are.......

I can't help it, can i?

I am only human.............

Il bel far niente

2010-03-28T22:56:00.002+08:00

Il bel far niente.

The Beauty of doing nothing.

The phrase and the thought of doing nothing made me feel peaceful....

Just for awhile though.

And then I wondered what should I do to do nothing?? What should I do to achieve that beauty of doing nothing?

What is nothing?
Is sleeping nothing?
Is staring at the ceiling nothing?

Then nothing is just a waste of time!!

We live in a fast-pace world. We all are chasing something. All of us are busy trying to do EVERYTHING.
To get rich.
To have a family.
To retire early.
To have the highest qualification..................

ETC ETC!! The list goes on and on and on...

This phrase has intrigued me so much that instead of the idea of relaxing and not chasing the world, the phrase has made me wonder is this what life is about?

Nothingness??

My God. My blog entries has become so unexciting... My apologies, I think I have grown old..

Here is something exciting for you all to think about...

An orgy with people of different races...

( Sex is always exciting, no? )

ps. if you are reading this, I love to hear your thoughts about this..

pss. erm. your thoughts on "Il bel far niente" not the orgy....

pss.. ermmmm. both also can. why the hell not.

ok ok last..

THIS ENTRY IS NOTHING. HAHAHHAAH BEAUTIFOOOOLLLLL!!

22 on the 22nd!!

2010-03-25T21:06:00.002+08:00

MY HEARTFELT THANKS TO MY COUSINS!!

All of them for making the time and effort to come and "surprise" me..
I already suspected something BUT STILL touched for the little gathering on a weekday night!!

A DIY birthday card/frame..

Thanks Silly Baby for the birthday treat at Earle Swensen's. Fulfilled my cravings of banana split and crayfish!!

And yes yes. about time i change my profile to 22 yrs old. :)

Older yes, but unsure about wiser. HURHUR.
you can find the birthday pictures here..

Before I end the entry..

6,286 quarrels, numerous of them ended with agreeing to disagree and no more further discussions until the next quarrels pops up..
The occasional merajok 3 bulan 3 hari 3 malams.
Outrageous jealousy and assumptions
Countless laughter and great company..
To the odd places to date (eg. Shing Shong Supermarket/ Mustaffa Centre etc)
The many hairstyles we had..
Silliest accidents due to silly self..
The gossip session, a listening ear, an arm to bite on..
The sparks that never failed to create fireworks..
Crazy name-calling, arm-punching, sarcasm and endless jokes..

We turn THREE tomorrow. That's 3 years!

I am thankful for your patience when I am a blur-block, an emotional wreck and a sappy dreamer. And you should be thankful that I am as playful when it comes to joking and horsing around. HEHE.

Wowness. Never imagine or thought we could go this far. In fact, never thought I could last in "relationships". I guess it was never boring with you around. :)

So.

Here's to the 3 years spent through up and downs, quarrels and make-ups, on and off "us".

As for the future? God only knows.

For now, I think I love you more than the first time I told you that I loved you. And that is all that matters... :D
xoxo *winks*

blechh

2010-03-23T05:48:00.009+08:00

YAWN

lil gal woke me up for milk and now i can't go back to sleepp..

OH YES!! it was my birthday yesterday...

I didnt have any plans. It started with me and Shafiq counting down in the train.. NFB asked if I wanna meet. I was real tired and already took out my lenses in the train but I still agreed to meet. Stopped at Aljuneid (ALJUNEID ADA APA??? CUBA TUNJUK KAN ALJUNEID TU ADA APE!!) and shafiq was like, "Board the train age 21, alighted at 22!" HAHAHA
Anyway.
Checked on facebook and Somethings on my wall begin to come in. (I thirst for attention)

Wani called me up and Iqah, Adeq, Kecik (the cat) and her started singing Happy Birthday to me. They have something up their sleeves for my birthday.. (Today. Wani already told me to make myself free for the 23rd. )
NFB came shortly after to pick me up. I was like hiding behind a tree. Will never know what the boy is up to. Soon as I see that he doesnt have any cake to smash on my face, we went off.

Lepak with his friends and had a late supper. He sent me home and we lepak some more till 5am.

Picked Nana up and she made some paper-cuttings for me. Mom hates this. She says its rubbish but I love it. Every time she bounces out from her class, hug me and gives me a little something she made in class, I feel good.

Meet up with Amy because she said she has a cake for me that was suppose to be a surprise the night before. (i had decline her invitation and told her i was tired. but still met up with NFB. so i was guilty!!!) She came to tmart and we had a long talk...
THANKS TO HER I HAD MY BIRTHDAY CAKE!!!!

At least she makes an effort. ♥ < onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_jrVktluB9f8/S6fvToMHIgI/AAAAAAAAAPw/hwfNoLi1jYU/s1600-h/DSC01164.JPG">
AH-BEEL!!!

some kid at the airport

Thought of going to Popeye's for lunch but the aunties said it was too crowded. POUTTTTT!!!
So we had lunch at the staff canteen instead.. UPSETTING PER.
I told my sister that it was not fair because we had CRABS on HER birthday. And all I had was canteen food. (Melampao eh aku. heee)
Anyway none of us had our pay yet so canteen food pon canteen food laaaaa...

Then we decide to visit grandfather.
Grandfather has since moved to a home.

happy to say that he is getting better!!! ^_^
he wished me happy birthday! even if he couldn't put a name on my face. SAD.
we joked a lot and happy to see him laugh.

Then mom got me a watch. I asked for a cheap one because I think I am old enough and didnt had the heart to ketuk her. I could afford one on my own. But she insisted on a gift. It would be funny for her to give me cash. I mean, she helped me so much already and I am still eating food that she buys and staying under her shelter..

We got home at about seven-ish.

Kick myself a bit for being at home on my birthday... Then slept at 10.

Hope today would be better....

WHAT ARE YOU COUSINS UP TO!!!!!!!!!!

IT BETTER BE GOOD OK!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA

i'll update more about their surprise when i get the time. otherwise see u on twitter or facebook. CIAOOO...

(playing w the typewriter at work.. how old skool is that????)

piority

2010-03-15T11:28:00.001+08:00

I get really worked out when people asked me about my future.

So what's next, Illa?

Like my misfortunes are a great delightful stories to them.

I have been divorced for almost three years. I will never say I regretted marrying my ex. He opened my eyes.. He was romantic and he loved me. But Love is only one of the key factors to a marriage.. or say relationship.

There are other things like responsibility, trust and loyalty.

To strangers, I am never ashamed to tell them I have a daughter. Who is FIVE. and even when they start calculating when I got "knocked up", I never take back my words. Let them be. Let them put a label on me.

The next question they would ask is if I am married.

If I was still married, would it make pregnant at 17 okay?

I usually answer this with a past tense. I WAS married.
Must I be embarass that my marriage was a failure?

And then the question why?
It didn't work out.
PLENTY of people are never happy with that answer.

Will I ever get married again?

Should I? Why?

Old friends on the other hand are very curious to my future..

Well... Here are my piority list as of 2010.

#1 Carrer
I am building a wall against all the whispers going around at work. It is emotionally draining to know that your colleagues are sick and tired of their jobs. I've been there for a month and tripped so many times thinking I cannot do the job.
Then I put myself in their shoes, doing the same job for four, five years.. Of course I'll be an old hag. But see where they are.
They are Executives and Duty Managers. Some my age, some only 2 years older than I am.
Where would I be if I stayed at my old job?

Oh yes, I have to work real hard and I will. I wanted this so much, didnt I? (ORBIGOOD!!)

#2 Nuryna
If I don't have a carrer, Nuryna's future is doomed.
I bought this girl out to the world and her future is my responsibility.
Heck if her father forgets his responsibility. What matters is that I can afford to bring her to school, feed her, clothed her. I can do that even if her father forgets about her every now and then. I can't rely on him. I tried to before and it ended up with a divorce.
While the rest of my peers hardly think of death (much, exept for the occasional heartbreaks and stress) I wonder whatever would happen to Lil Gal if I die.
I have no savings for her..
I die not only leaving my love ones. I died leaving my daughter alone.
So you see why my carrer is before her.
Oh yes, I will be spending lesser time with her and its killing me that when I leave for work she is still asleep or that when I come back she is already asleep..
It also kills me that I have to trouble my parents, my sister, my grandmother, my aunties and uncles because of this.

#3 Family
Without them I AM doomed.
If I was on my own, I'm lost. I'm without a backbone. My daughter will never know that real families do exist. Yes it may be my choice for the divorce and it was a tough choice to make.. A troubled marriage or a single parenthood?

But without my family's support and help, I wouldnt be this lucky.

#4 Silly
I would be lying to say if he wasn't my piority.
For I care for him and he has been THE smiles on my face. He has been a great get-away when ever I wanted to feel my age. When ever I wanted to feel that I am still a girl and that I can still feel love.
Though through the years, I begin to realise we both have different views on the future, I never ask him to be ready to be my husband or a father.. Or even the Next Man.
Otherwise than that, he has been a great support, a good laugh and a wonderful companion. (on good days, HAHAHA)
The future between me and him is still too thin to thread on. But no body said I can't enjoy it while it last, right?
Even so, if it failed, I am still thankful to him that at least once upon a time, he was there, he was The Smile.

I wouldn't be more happier or at least more thankful for the things I had. And even if I am prepared for the future, God only knows what's in store for me. It might be another misfortune and spoils everything I have planned. Or Luck and change everything else... :)

Alice

2010-03-11T01:49:00.005+08:00

(I dont know how to start the entry.. fuck)

I watched Alice in Wonderland today. Thought it was good. Since it was Tim Burton's. And it was a fantasy story.

I am disappointed with the movie. We watched it in 3D. Yet it didn't excite me.

Alice was too pale, sad and look anorexic. The only good thing was that she was flat-chested so woo~ to real breasts.. (or any of it. chest. breast. pfft)

Mad Hatter looked scary.
I was looking for more lines from The White Rabbit, The Caterpillar and The Cheshire Cat..

Honestly, I have never read the book. It was too.. hard for me. Even if I tried, I couldn't pass the first chapter because the words were too big for me and gee, damn lengthy, can??
I have to admit I shouldn't call myself a reader if I think Lewis Carroll is too long-winded.

With enough media, hype and the fact that the book sold more than a million copies, of course the movie sparked interest from me..

But I was disappointed with it. It didn't excite me even in 3D. I can't even recall what the movie was about.

I could say I have wasted 10 minutes rushing to catch it, $11 for the ticket and 2 hours of my life on it.

Even the graphics and the sound effects from it didn't thrill me.

After reading up synopsis on the book and critics for the movie, I could say I understand more of it and am glad to say that I wasn't alone feeling that the movie was a fucked-up one.
I did feel better that the movie was a mix of two books, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and Through the Looking-Glass. That explain Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum. BUT THEY WERE NOT HUMOROUS. AT ALL.
They are just fat. And so we laugh at fat people. Its even more funnier when they are stupid and fat. And then, there was two.. HEHELARIOUS (not).

Critics marked the movie as a C- grade. HA HA. My very own critic seated on my left during the movie just scoff and said we should have watched it at home.

I enjoyed myself a lot more watching Up in The Air (George Clooney). At least it was giggle-worthy. At least there was something I could relate to. George Clooney is one hot matured man. and at least there was a naked scene.

For the other people waiting to watch AIW, let's just wait for the DVD.

Sad to say that all the movies now are not worthy to catch it in the cinema. :)
The only reason I'd go to the theaters are for the nachos (I dislike popcorn) and to drag the boy out of the house... But I fucked up yet again in the choice of movies... Haiz

2010-03-04T21:21:00.003+08:00

since its my off day, i'll do a lil update.

WANIE IS MARRIED. WOOTS.

Other than that I have been busy working and sleeping thus the lack of update. Same old shit, only different day.

Grandfather is in hospital.. :(
Visited him yesterday before i go to work and visited him again with Adik today.

I HATE CGH. I HATE THE STAFF.

Firstly I think its such a hassle to be registered before going to the wards.

I know its for safety, terrorism, health and what-nots.. BUT it is a hassle..

Then the staff, obviously part-timers are not friendly at all. They looked like they were forced to work.

Today we got confused because we weren't sure which lift to take and which counter we should exchange out forms for passes to go up so we were in circles. It would be NICE if the girl over at the registering counter told us which lift lobby we should have taken. THAT would have save alot of time. When we got to the correct counter, I showed the girl our form and told her the ward number. She took the paper from my hand and stared at it.
I waited.. and waited. The bloody passes were right behind her and there she was holding onto the form.. Of course I flipped. Her colleague came up and tried to help.

FINALLY we got our passes.
At the ward itself the nurses were such a mess. They began taking away the bed opposite my grandfather and then they left the table and chairs in the middle of the ward. WHAAAT!!! but nvm...

On the way to take the shuttle bus to Simei, Nana got cranky and kicked her slippers away. Adik told her to take her slippers and she refused and cried and smacked adik. I scolded her and took the hand that smack her. It's called DISCIPLINE.
But anyway, here I was trying to "discipline" my girl this one aunty who was passing by us saw and told me, "EHHH.. Biasa eh pukul adik.."

OMG I got so pissing angry by that comment! "EH EH CIK NI TAK TAHU HAL SIBOK-SIBOK APESAL? Ni bukan adik saya ni ANAK SAYA..."
She gave me a look and walked away.
By then Nana was sniffling and holding my hand, so I followed that aunty and she keep looking back at us.

How dare she tell me what I should or should not do.

Oh yes it is in the public, it wasn't nice to be seen smacking my child in the public.
BUT I did not SLAP my daughter hard across her face.
It was a smack on her arm so she knows its wrong to hit her own aunty.

I do not believe in naughty corners.

SPARE THE ROD, SPOIL THE CHILD. I believe in that.
I also know how hard I should go on MY CHILD. I do not go to the extend of using a rod or a rotan. The worst I have done is a smack on the arm if she goes over the limits.

Does that sound wrong?
Why do people go about giving ME disapproval when I say yes I do beat my child.
Did I just declare that my hobby is abusing my own daughter????

The aunty took a taxi and we took a seat to wait for the shuttle bus. The distance wasn't far and she was still giving me looks. As she board into a taxi I simply said, "Lain kali hal orang cik jangan kaypo eh. Jaga diri tu baik-baik.."

I know I sound rude and erm.. gangster-ly.. The last part was obviously a very minahrep statement. But I stand to my rights. Who was she to tell me off???

Is it because I am young that I get all this kind of disapproval looks and comments?

Later on we were walking around and I noticed a malay mother of PROPER MOTHERLY AGE (whatever the average age of proper mothers are suppose to be) doing the same thing I do to my daughter if she was misbehaving..
No body bat an eyelid.
The child got into a store and wanted some sweets but the same mother said no. The child didnt budge so the mother walked away leaving the child behind crying and running after his mother.
No body told her off that was cruel to be leaving the child behind.

So WHY do strangers do it to me?

I bet many other teenage mothers experience the same thing as I do. But why? Why judge us?

Why judge us because we are young? We go through pregnancy and child-birth the same way they do.

Only we do it when we were so much younger.. With so many other obstacles to go through.

GEE! This really got me all worked up!!!

And I thought I have gotten use to all the stares people give me whenever Nana goes calling me Mama.

22nd

2010-02-21T22:03:00.000+08:00

Why. Its the 22nd of February.

That means I am a month away from my birthday.

I was excited a few months ago about my birthday.

Even if its JUST another birthday I would like to think this year is extra special. This year I am turning 22 on the 22nd of March. GET IT? TWENTY TWO ON THE TWENTY SECOND!

I lost all the enthusiasm now.

I have been going around wondering what I should do for my birthday. Most of my friends would love to take my birthday as a celebration to drink, get drunk and club. But I think I am getting tad bored for the clubbing scene.

Although I would love a night-out somewhere chilling with a few drinks. (Point is not to get wasted.. we do that every other month and giving reasons it is to celebrate.. i.e celebrate "singlehood", celebrate off day, celebrate pay day. We come out with very good reasons to get wasted... HEH)

But where to and to do what doesn't really matter anymore..

What actually occured to me is WHO I wish to spend my birthday with.

Even birthday presents doesn't matter much to me. (though if given is very much appreciated. HURHUR)

Instead of thinking that I turn a special two-two on the twenty-second, I am thinking who are actually my friends and who are IMPORTANT enough to celebrate this special day with me.

It is, afterall, my birthday. Its my day. (Erm. The whole month is ME-month)
The people I want to be around should be the people who I love and love me as much. Not just some party people. And these people would be the one who I turn to when I have good news to share and they would be happy for me. These are the people who I do not feel awkward to cry when I just feel like crying. These should be the people who I do not feel shy to share my insecurities and my fears.

Already I untick some of my own friends off the list who weren't any of the above. For those who I want to call FRIENDS should be the ones who knows when I am down. Not just only being there when I am happy.

Its very very dissapointing to know that my birthday wouldn't be much of a Party as I intend it to be a few months back.. It would only be just another birthday for me and yet another birthday party for the others; and when its over, like the day itself, they dissapear. Then it wouldn't be special because it would be just another party.

I rather have just that a handful of people who laugh because they are happy not because they are tipsy. I rather spend it on my own than to pretend to have friendships based on pretence.

Its a really sad situation to be in. To know that the people you call friends actually don't know shit about your life. Years of knowing each other is just numbers and nothing more.

To escape this sad, sad reality, I would even go to the extent of asking to work PM on my birthday. And hell, it falls on a Monday anyway...

I might be saying all this and still have a helluva party..

But all I want for my birthday is to know who my REAL friends are.
and a cake.. and few drinks.. and a watch because I really do need one for work. (mcm nurse gitu dong nk kira pulse) (its for work so i can keep track when the busses are coming)
(i actually don't think watches are good gifts. its like wishing for death.. but i'll keep the superstitious thoughts to myself...) (who am i kidding? I'll start twitching if someone gives me a watch.....) (ok no watches... ;p )

(side-track gilababs sak tu)

AH YES.. All I want is to know who my REAL friends are.

eye will miss wedding

2010-02-21T20:04:00.003+08:00

My immune system crashed last night and there are many reasons why I got sick.
I might be adjusting to the crazy shifts.
I do not have sufficient rest. I am not blaming anyone but boy, was I having too much fun. ;p
Aircon and I = Nono.
Cheap cigrattes.

And I have been complaining about my eye for a month plus now but I was stubborn and still wore my lenses. I lost my specs, you see. So i had to wear lenses. Now I got both eyes infected. Its damn horrible.

I should start saving up for Lasik instead. I hate wearing spectacles (it lowers down my self-esteem) and I spend perhaps thousands of dollars already for years on contact lenses. THAT money could have easily been for Lasik!!!

I was trying to stay strong until Wanie's wedding but I weakened yesterday. My eyes were swollen yet I still went out (to FLEA & SPLASH at Wavehouse!!) Cough was also worsening. I was feeling pretty miserable. (plus a little tiff and miscommunication with the boy about Luge. GRUMBLE)
I called work at 1am to inform them about my eye and that I might not be able to report to work in the morning. I told myself I would still wake up in the morning to see if I could drag myself to work even in the condition. Silly woke me up and my head was heavy and pus was all over eye! Felt damn horrible.

Woke up in the morning to see the doctor. Went home, downed the medicine and knocked out for a few hours despite the noise and kecohness over next door. Doc, mom, aunty and grandmother, obviously, nagged at me about wearing contacts and not cleaning it properly. HURHUR.

Being sick and weak is just one of the reason of being miserable...

It's Wanie's wedding next week and both on her Nikah and sanding I had to work in the afternoon.

It's not just another wedding. It's WANIE'S wedding. Its my cousin + BESTT Friend's wedding.

And I cant be around.

No pictures of me in her wedding album. I can't get to see her in her wedding dress. I can't get to see her nervous on her Nikah night. I have to live on hearing details of her wedding from my family members for months and kick myself hard for missing it.

Her wedding matters alot to me.

But so is my job... I am really totally devastated about this and I can't do anything. I have to work..

I will still be there in her heart and she knows it. :(

DONGDONGCHENG!

2010-02-15T22:17:00.004+08:00

YELLOW.

Picture updates..

Work affairs..

I love this uniform! its in a darker shade of purple.. I like uniforms so far. I could go to work in slippers and shorts! come to work than change! and i dont have to worry about laundry! muahahahaha

super old skool. I hate this lock. ANNOYING!
Left 18, Right 10, blow, left 6, right 26, shake-shake... GRR

why cant we just use keys???

this is actually a nice picture. But once I clicked snapped, Peacock decide to scratch its back... -___-

OFF day = day with Lil Gal. Brought her to town and pick Amy from work..

Focus: Girl

Focus: Flower

Year of Rabbit. But she is actually Anak Ayam. (Rooster) Then we stared at idio... erm people picking gold papers with digits from the floor......

Was cleaning room and I found this!!! ZOMG! BILA NI AKU NYE TURN NAK PASS CLASS 3?????? *BAWLSS
And this is the only passport picture that I really look good. 2006 ehhhh...

Wow. I was 18 la sei... (And nana only 1 year old!!)
Oh yeah. I wanted to have class 3 before i turn 21. MEHH. TAK KESAMPAIAN! FML

A diary entry... I threw the diary away. There were ALOT ALOT of frustrations, sadness in the diary. I dont wish to be reminded how tough and lonely my pregnancy was even when I was actually Married.
Well its over now.

This is an entry a night after I gave birth to Nuryna..

MY "valentine" gift! HAHAHA. mcm paham. I took two packets.. HEE.

Lion Dance woke me up from nap just now..... -__-

DA TU JE.. HAHAHHA.

2 more weeks till Wanie's wedding!!
3 more weeks till Kumar's show. (MCM nak pegi aje)
1 month and 1 week to my 22nd Birthday!!! YEAYEA?? HMMM...

define 'friend'

2010-02-12T21:50:00.004+08:00

I vow to keep my friends close this year..

I've made new friends, I lost some friendships, I got back with some old friends.

I guess I have never really bothered to keep in touch so I did tell myself this year it would be different.

I was thinking about The girls and how we haven't met for awhile. And that they haven't dropped me a msg or called me... So I made the move.
I send a text message to the three of them saying that I missed them.

One didnt reply.

Another made a date to meet up at town after she finishes work. I thought why not because I had to drop by town that day to do something as well. Along with Nuryna, we met her and took a bus home.

This one told me that they, the three of them actually DID meet. For a movie. The night before.

I was hurt.

Why wasn't I invited too?
YEAH, i might have other plans too but it would still be nice to be invited along.

I kept that thought aside thinking it wasnt a big matter.. I did have a date the night they went for a movie.

THEN the other one called.
and the caller was surprised that she was with me.

Again, I ignored the fact that even if the caller DID reply my text in the afternoon and did ask of my well-being, she called the other girl to see if she had plans. She didn't call me...

STILL pushing my sensitive side and agreed to have a short dinner ; Nana and I was hungry too.

It was nice to meet them. A riot as usual.

But I felt out of place because most of the conversation they had was about the meetings they had WITHOUT me. I didnt know what they were talking about...

And they did try and ask me about my new job and etc... But I just didnt know where to start.

I didnt know what to tell them. Some where inside of me felt that the interest was merely to be polite. Just to create a conversation.

I was also shock to find out that one of them earned abit more than I do and was complaining it was peanuts.

S H O C K.

We are all living with our parents! Its outrageous to think that what they are earning are actually SOME what the adults with houses and family earned and THEY complain its not enough...

And it totally destroyed me to know that they earned more (even by a little bit) than I do....

Maybe it was just me. That I was sensitive and jealous of the friendship they hold. That I don't have the time like they do. That I think $39.90 is EXPENSIVE for a white plain tee with label.
That I actually hyperventilate if a cup of coffee cost $3. That I have a little girl tagging along.

I just felt that I was not needed.

I am still hurt and dissapointed.

But what could I do? I pretended everything was okay.

Now I know where I stand

Gila babi weekend

2010-02-08T21:23:00.006+08:00

Thinking that I had off on Fri and Sat, I decide to make FULL use of it. HA HA.

Summary la eh. I is so tired...

Fri:

Went to the old workplace to collect cheque. Bought Nuryna along.

Then we went to Wanie's workplace then we walk around town.

I fell in love with this tricycle.. Its $200. FUUUCKKK

I dont know if its worth the money because she might outgrow it. And if she learns how to ride a normal bicycle then i have to buy another one isit??? BAHH

But cool laa siak...

Then after getting her a doll which she called her Nini (or Titi)

Crib and baby sold separately. (I ALWAYS wanted to use that line!!)
We alr have the crib actually.. but lil gal put Nini in and arrange her toys around Nini. VERY ADORABLE!!

anyway.. and then we went to my mom's workplace. So for Nuryna, its a Visit-Workplace-Day. HEHEH

Saturday:
NF suggested to go to Haw Par Villa and i was SUPER DUPER excited..Waited for him to wake up and give the Green light (that we are really going). Got everything ready and went out. Only after locking my gate I realise that I left my FUCKING wallet in my room!

ANNNDDD my keys are in my WALLET!!!

FML!!!!

We (Nana and I) rocked and screamed outside to wake my father up.. AND he still didnt wake up!! (Insert curse here)
Called mom and whined and cried and she merely said, "Aku kat keja kau nak aku buat ape??"
Called my sister and SHE DIDNT PICK UP.
How the FUCK am I going to go anywhere??? SO bopian, I called the locksmith..

$45 for locksmith ehhhh

As if that is not enough.....

I wanted to lock my door and since we hardly use that key, it GOT FUCKING STUCK IN THE KEY HOLE. The lucky thing was that when I tried the door key, I had the door open.. So now I cant go anywhere because the bloody key was stuck in the door.. I cant just bloody leave the door AND gate open and ask around for help right??

Eventually, I got the key out. (Ps. My right hand is still sore from all of this)
I had to walk all the way to Tmart to get new locks because no way i am going to lock the bloody door again and have a helluva time getting the key out....
Another $20 for new locks.

By this time, I was really going berserk. Nizam was downstairs and I told him to look after Nuryna while I run back up to lock the gate...

MY GOD LOR! I wasted 3 fucking hours and $65 because of my carelessness. *pats back*

I manage to calm down as I reach my grandmother's place. NF picked me up with a black cloud above his head... We didnt get to go Haw Par Villa.......... *POUT*

and until I die, NF is not going to let me forget of how careless I am..

And HPV is eerie looking eh........... BUT I REALLY REALLY WANNA GOOOOOOO!!!!

We went to Vivo instead to walk around, more like stomp (he) and sulk (me) around.... and later meet his friends at the Esplanade and went off to a pit and Changi. Left at around 2am???

Sun: Early bird shift... NF woke me up at 5am and said he is sending me to work. ^_^ YEAH!!

Still feeling sleepy and tired from the day before I was in and out of sleep. (HEH)
Almost reaching to Harbourfront, his rear tyre BURST! his bike wobbled and we stopped. While he checked I was thinking "homg homg.. how laa?? am i going to be late for work? am i suppose to walk all the way to Seah Im??" I am a selfish idiot really.

We manage to reach Vivo slowly and carefully. I was fucking afraid that we were going to fall off. and that I was going to be late. ;p

Coincidentally his friend was passing by and saw him and helped him, I went off to work. Still fucking worried if he could get home. He has no IU unit and I prayed he could make it back home..

He did in one piece. But what he said got me taken aback. While I was busy thinking I was going to be late for work, he was thankful we were safe. We didnt get into any accident. Here imagine a scenario of tyre bursting while cornering, skidded and along came one big fucking lorry and yeah... HEH

I stoned at work the whole day, took a shower and my own sweet time after work. Met him again and we went off to Wanie's pre-marriage pit organised by Jaza.

Went off at about 12? Was really shagged... I could hardly open my eyes...

Morning again today. Mata koyak rabak.. so i think i better get my beauty sleep now..

GOOD NIGHT ALL!!

the noob

2010-02-05T01:40:00.005+08:00

ZOMG

My first week at the new job has ended. My "weekend" starts tomorrow and "Monday" starts on Sunday. Bah.

Aku telah termasuk golongan "orang gila ajer keja Sunday" dan orang tebiat jer keja "graveyard shifts".

How was it?

I really can't sum it in one word.

I am adjusting to the traveling.
Call me crazy...
My new job is at Sentosa. No, not RWS. Not the hotels or casino at RWS. Its a resort. Not the Rasa Sentosa Hotel or the Costa Sand Resort.
The resort is cool. Beautiful, in fact. Well.. I am a newbie there, of course I find it beautiful. Back about the resort later......

I have to wear make-up and be nicely presented on a plate... -___-

I am adjusting to the shifts, working on weekends etc.
And Mother is getting on my nerves about this. Give her another month and she is going to be breathing on my neck on how I am hardly home etc etc.

Truthfully, I am missing my Lil Gal like HELL. And it has only been one week.

I am asking myself if I have made the right decision by going into this industry. It was so perfectly clear that this was what I wanted, say, a year ago.

That this is my dream and so I shall build a career path out of this. THIS.IS.IT.
But I am beginning to doubt myself if this is right.

Am I going to be missing more in Nuryna's growth because I would be busy chasing my own "dream"?
Is Nuryna going to grow up thinking that I am hardly there for her because of my hectic schedule?
Is Nuryna going to hate me because I am not able to spend weekends out with her?
Will Nuryna turn rebellious because I am hardly ever there???

Then again, if I go back to 8-5 jobs, I'd be stuck in that position for years and chances of growth is pretty slim as an admin or receptionist..

I had to give this a try. It has only been a week...................
And unlike some people, I have to work and have to "climb up". The hard way. I have to. I am not going to turn back. I will do my best.

But fucking hell, it is scaring the hell out of me that I have stepped out of my comfort zone being hidden away between cubicles. And THIS IS FUCKING NEW. I have no idea of how the hotel work behind the counters!! I have always been behind the doors. coughcough i shalt not start there...............

The people are nice and friendly. It is my "honeymoon" period so my colleagues are giving me welcomes.
The resort as I said is gorgeous. Huge kedemak that when I was bought around to have a look, I got so tired of walking around the resort!!

I got to see one of the villa! The villa are private "cottages" with your own driveway. With two bedrooms. Walk-in wardrobes (*eyebrow) (what the hell for if you are only staying 3 day 2 night) The master bedroom's private toilet is almost the same size as the Guest room. WHICH means its bloody huge. with a bath tub in the middle of the toilet... (*eyebrow)

Of course, plasma tv, bar in the living room. The best part about the villa?? Your own fucking swimming pool.

Cost? My previous salary.. MAK AAI!!! (but I do wonder if I could get staff rate for it... jeng jeng)
So far that is the only "room" I got to view and I absofucking love it.
I was already fantasizing what I could do if I had the villa.. In Rated R21...... GAH~

After viewing that villa, I was told that it wasn't one of the pretty one, the other villas were much better furnished... MOUTH DROP.

Sorry la, I very suaku. I have only dreamed of going to such places and being able to actually walk into one is mind-blowing.

Other than that I have been trying to prepare myself to start adjusting to the environment and the schedule. And of course, new people.......

and having peacocks walking around. muahahaha. I am so fascinated that I get to be upclose to peacocks!!!

HEH

gimme 2 months tops, I'll be complaining about some of the shit. But meanwhile, WHOAAAA BEHBEEHHH!!!

for february & fuck valentine

2010-01-31T15:22:00.010+08:00

BLEARGH!

TOMORROW IS MY FIRST DAY!

omgomgomgomg!

i dont know why i am panicking.

OH! and you know what is super?

I have a swollen left eye!!!

awesome shit dont you think?
and the other awesome shit is that instead of jumping around getting things for the new job, my pay is held and i have to collect it by cheque. NEXT WEEK!!!

I don't know what to expect for the new job. I was telling Tia that I am soooo scared because I have given a cock and bull optimism about myself and I don't know if I could even do the job!

I want to hide somewhere.
I want to dig a hole and die.

The positive thoughts that I had in the beginning of the year is thinning!
Its like I have taken a step forward but keep looking back if anything evil is coming to attack me. So much for all the fucking optimism!

I am looking back to see if something bad would jump out choke me and say, "YOU THINK YOU HAVE MADE IT? YOU THINK YOU ARE SO HAPPY? YOU THINK YOU GOT EVERYTHING PLANNED OUT? YOU. ARE. WRONG!"

*bite nails*

I dont know why I am being such a grump.
Tomorrow is the day. Go and see how it is. Why the fucking fuck am I so nervous about??

The last day at TC was emotional.
It was our CNY "celebration" and Rose made me find my cheongsam to wear to work. So i did. Heck, why the hell not? I was planning on wearing my BULLSHIT tee and shorts..

I looked around for the old cheongsam (i think it was wanie's) and FOUND IT! AMEHZING!
and the next AMEHZEENG thing was that I could still fit in it!

This was the same cheongsam and I was only 14 (judging from the nose stud). THAT'S 8 YEARS AGO!
(you can stop laughing at the old picture now........)

And I think I have shrunk! Adeq commented that it look BIG on me.. So i told her that's just because I am skinny, short and small. HMPH.

I wore it to work and was looking around for attention. No one gave a shit that I was wearing a cheongsam two weeks too early from CNY. AND that I was malay and wearing a cheongsam. ODD! When I wore baju kurung or a kebaya on normal days I received more attention than this. (Iris later "comforted" me by saying that the commuters are probably not yet awake. =) )

It was a normal morning. Being the attention whore I am, I burst into the office while they were having a briefing saying, "NI HAOO!!!!" and Mega was like, "we were planning on a welcome surprise for you.." But the rest were clapping and wow-ing at my cheongsam. MUAHAHAH.

Kak Jamilah S gave me hair accessories. SO HAPPY LOR! (she also left a receipt inside...........)

Abang Sani came in before lunch with the donuts we shared to give our colleagues. It was a "tradition" that whenever anyone goes they had to buy us something.

and then WOF.

Rose, Iris and I were the Chun-li-sss. :)

Oh. And right before the emo-ness start I was talking with someone. Lets not name this person because this is sensitive.

What she told me made my heart break.

Two cards was passed around for all of them to sign as a farewell wishes. Then the cards reached my other supervisor and he asked, "Who's card is this?" When he found out that it was mine, he refused to sign.

GASP?

yes.
I was sad that he didnt want to sign it. I was leaving. Why does he have to do this to me? What have I done wrong to him that he had to refuse?

I wrote on MY farewell "card" to the team and I included HIS name and everyone's else name.

I gave him all due respect before I left. If he doesnt come up to me to talk, then I am fine with it. If I do have something to ask I come up to him. That's how work is.

And boy, this blog entry here, was for him. Because when everyone else was AGAINST him I thought he was just doing his job. Yes I may agree it was SHIT when everything change in a blink of an eye. Yes I agree with all the rumours that went around. But before I left I still see him as my supervisor. I kept whatever I had against him to myself. Or to the bitch. I kept it to myself.

And he refused to sign MY CARD but signed at Abg Sani.
The rest comforted me and said it wasn't anything to lose. He thinks he is a big fuck so let him be.
What I have to say is that,

REMEMBER ADAM AND EVE? Eve made Adam eat the forbidden fruit.
That bitch made him change. And the food she cooked most probably been kangkang.

I'VE GOT YOU BABE written on a card stuck on anonymous flower sent to her?? We all know its you. We seen you surf around for flowers to be sent to your WIFE.

SHIT, BOY, SHE GOT YOU INSTEAD!

(hah. you reading this entry? __|__UP YOURS MAYN)

ANYWAY. He wasnt around so it made things better.

The farewell party lasted 30 plus minutes after office hour (thank God it was MY farewell party) with everyone saying something. It was very teary. I dont know how many time I burst into tears, Iris and some of them walking off to the toilet to wipe their tears.

This is wat they gave me with the card. ♥ ♥

This is wat Iris wrote. But she was still crying when I told my thanks to the team.

Frm Mega: Nabilla Dear, All the best. Remember this, 'Sit down & dial'.
Because when i get bored I'd stand and look around for chat kaki's. Worst still, i'd disappear... LOL

From Mai: Hiyee No(k)x2 [nonok - idk where d hell she learnt this but it wasn't from me]
Alwayz take care of yourself. Put always ANGEL (daughter) as your priority in life.. Like wat i aways tells you this time around be smart in everything you do! (what did you always tell me? HAHA) We will surely miss you!! All the best & Good luck MAI

This wasn't signed but it was from Yusof : Whats my name whats my name.. lolx gonna miss you . all the best and take care k. keep in touch *winks*

Saturday was suppose to be the wild crazy shopping day BUT I couldn't. BAWLS
But followed Silly to do his IU unit but unfortunately we didn't get to do it.
Then we went to Sim Lim looking for a fan but he ended up with something else.
After that we went to look for my shoe. Budget was $29.90. BUGIS STREET WAS PACKED.
went to ImageTurn found 3 pairs I liked. HEE. And Alice was there! YEAY! I asked for a discount, afterall it was Bugis Street.. I thought she wouldnt give it to me because year after year after I stopped working there I keep coming and asking her if I could get discount but never bought anything.
Honestly, I think their shoe suck. The design and all is alright but comfort is NOT. And I look for a shoe with high comfort level. Especially in heels. But bopian, I got one pair and Alice gave it at $21.90. VERY HAPPY.

Then we pass by Little India! AND WATCHED THAIPUSAM!! COOL LAA SIA!!! Interesting!!

Later at night, I bought Lil Gal's to Amy's (post) Birthday Chalet.

Amy made Nana wear this. Nana adores her Aunty Mimi.. :)

Hab Amy and Nana

Me (I think I have apples in my cheek. TEMBAB GILA PE. fuckingfatfacebah~) nana, hab and Amy..

WELL.

thats one entry. meh. Wish me the best of luck for the new job!!

mother and facebook

2010-01-28T22:47:00.003+08:00

Mother is actually logging in Nuryna's fb to play games and comment on people using Nuryna's account.

IT IS NOT ME.

Please be clear of that. And please be careful.. O.o

And this is one 0f the example:

-________________-

random. really. dont bother reading.

2010-01-27T19:45:00.004+08:00

Four more days. Ohmygoodness. I don't think I am ready.

And Saturday gonna be havoc.. I gotta get things for the new job. (Which is actually just another reason to shop)

Things to get:
- Pumps. Two. One with heels and one flat. Two because I deserve it. And a slipper or a sandal while we are at it. (That makes three pairs of shoe. CANT.WAIT)
- Stockings.
- makeup: mascara, a proper eyebrow pencil, blusher, eyeliner, foundation, a better concealer. ARGH! When was the last time I bought FOUNDATION??
- hair creams...
- confidence (don't we wish they sell this???)

I'll probably leave some of the things out... these things aren't important. But making a list makes me feel.. like a normal girl

EARGH! PANIC ATTACK!

Oh. Lil Gal's newest obsession is washing dishes. Good but she is wasting alot of water. And the dishes are not clean.

2010-01-25T20:41:00.003+08:00

Not in a bloody good mood, thank you.

I shalt blame it on thy hormones. Aunty Flow is playing a fool with me.

Today was suppose to be a day spent with Lil Gal. We had lunch and a good nap. Only thing was that I was awoken to a shitty text and a fucking phone call that spoils my evening. Followed by a sucky dinner at Pasir Ris.

Even dish washing wasn't cheering me up. Luckily Mother has learned to keep everything plastic because a) We are all butter-fingers b) I have broken enough plates during my "therapeutic dish washing" days.

After dinner, I tried to teach Lil Gal to write and she refused to. It was a disaster. She ended up crying.. I was feeling frustrated by the end of it and I decide we could try again another day.

At the moment now, I am feeling like punching something or turning tables.

I did some googling on writing AND APPARENTLY, 5 year olds are suppose to start READING.

*hit head*

And reading the forum wasn't making me feel better. All that comparison! EARGH!

"My 4 year old daughter can read without any help and she is not even in school"

"My 3 year old is in so-so-wonderful-school and he can read and write!"

O.M.G.

Holiday in June, eh La? HAH. You can fucking forget about it now.
Just keep this in mind, La. Your peers could afford it. You can't.

GOD.

I am soooo mad at the moment.

Guidebook please?

2010-01-22T23:17:00.007+08:00

Motherhood Phase 28: Writing
(no. don't ask me what phase 1 - 27 are)

I had dinner with Mother after work just now. She dragged me to look for shoes and I dragged her to accompany me trim my hair. She also wanted to do her hair so she didn't really mind. Otherwise she would have nagged at me for being vain.

Unfortunately, we spent too much time at the shoe shop and by the time we visit the salon, it was packed and I couldnt trim my hair. VERY UPSET.

Seem like Fate is telling me to keep my hair like it is. (which is like shit)

While having dinner, we had a conversation (WOW). It is kind of a biggie because we hardly have time to talk to each other. The only time we communicate is to get on each others nerve.

She was telling me that Nana has alot of homework to do.
Colouring?
She's in kindergarden, it's writing now.
Oh. (Easy-peasy)

"Aishah, her friend can already write. Her handwriting was so neat and adorable. Aishah could spell too. Her mom told me. Your daughter can't even write neatly. Worst. Can't even spell.."

"She's lazy.."

"So are you."

GASSPP.

She was nearly right. I am not lazy. I am too busy. When I get home I am too tired to TEACH. I just want to lie around in bed. (Isn't that a definition of lazy?)
(Why is my little voice blogging??)

I was pleased when she could write her name..

I was even more pleased when she wrote it on a notebook I gave her. Without. My. Help. I only told her the letters. Usually I write it first and let her copy what I wrote.

So today we had homework to do. At first I think its outrageous for the toddlers to do homework. They are suppose to have fun.
After nursery, I change my mind. It was a great way to bond with my girl and find out what she has been doing in school.

It was a Malay homework. And she had to write the letter "Bb".
She did it quite quickly. *beam*

But the words Mother said haunted me.. ("Aishah could write neatly")
I made her erase words that weren't neat enough and made her write it again.

I made her write her name on her homework. I thought we were going to tear the paper because of the excessive erasing. But it didnt tear so two points for us (each). *pats back*

The homework was also to colour the things that begin with the letter B.

What happen next was an EPIC FAIL moment for me. It was bimbo moment with a capital B. Atau juga bodoh dengan huruf B besar.

I was staring at the last row of three things: Crocodile, Cat, Cloud.
(Nana was busy colouring the row before it)
At first I was thinking HEY, it all starts with C not B!!

Oh. Melayu.

HMM..

Krokodile. Kucing. Awan.

MANE ADE B!!

....

....

...

Oh. *slaps forehead*

BUAYA! (this was before I twitted my stupidity)

Next thing I know, Lil gal was pointing to the KroKodile and said, "NI BUAYA!! Start dengan B!"

Apparently I am not smarter than a Kindergarden student.... O.o

Mother's word was still haunting me.. And I was thinking Where did I go wrong in bringing her up??

Alot, I guess. I was too preoccupied with myself!!

I decided that we are going to learn how to write every weekday night. Starting tonight. I want her to be able to write PROPERLY.

I recall how Mother stressed us to write it BIG and CIRCULAR. (adorable) And till now, I find it uneasy to write "little". If i write it small, it looks scrawly. But if I write it huge, I may appear to be informal.

And please, when was the last time I had time to write neatly? Apart from filling forms??

I took out another empty notebook and began drawing lines.

We do have books with those dotted lines where she could trace but I just felt that a DIY was much better.

Not only she could see me write it, it meant I was also doing something. Not just throwing a book at her and tell her to write and show it to me when she is done.

On the second line, she was already lazy to write. And she wanted my red pen.

Usually I'd give in. It's still writing. But tonight, I told her No. She have to write with her pencil.

Throughout the whole page, every time she got distracted or lazy or gave up, I told her, "We've got ALL night to do this. If you don't finish the page, you cannot sleep, you cannot ask for milk, no switching on the television, you cannot pee, you cannot move from your seat.."

Normally, if she threw enough tantrum or get too distracted, I just let her be. She is a kid after all.

Tonight I had to discipline her. I am HER mother.

I succeed somehow, didnt I? Although it took a long time, a lot of evil eyes and sulking (her part), she finished the page.

Praised her a lot, kissed her, gave her a sticker, drew 3 big stars on the top page and told her now she could do anything she want! :D

She wanted to draw a picture of Mummy, Daddy. (She was whining the whole time that she don't want to write A, she want to drawww. I stuck to my gun.)

Left to right: Her (with her name below and a heart) Me with a D as my mouth! anddd EARRINGS! FIVE HEARTS on my well tame hair!!!
Beside me is her Papa. with a cross on his head. I asked is that his hair?

"No. Papa gets no heart"

but Papa is still in the picture. i'll touch this another day

After all that exercise, I WAS EXHAUSTED.

Shall look out for books on how to make writing interesting for a 5yr old or google it.

MY GOD.

Who said motherhood got easier as they grow up ought to be shot with a bazooka.

Adik turns 20!

2010-01-21T21:20:00.002+08:00

My sister (yes I have a sibling. HAHAHA) turned 20 on the 19th January!!

We are two years apart and then some. We quarrel alot as kids and never got along that well. But as the malay saying goes, Air dicincang tak akan putus.

As we grew up into teenagers, we got along better. Even when our schedule clash, we do find time to talk to each other. That also means, rolling in my bed at 9am on weekends, crashing into the toilet while I am taking a dump or bathing (-__-) and squeezing in any little time we had just by talking and telling each other about our days.

Even though I bitch about her alot, she is still my younger sister and a great AUNTY TERSAYANG to my daughter.

HAAPPYY BIRTHDAY NADHIRAH!!

(I almost forgot her name because we were so used to calling her Adeq. )

Should I copy paste her birthday note from last year? Same old thing, sis, make the parents proud, you are the only hope etc......

17 JANUARY
Mother came back from her night shift and left us a SMS to tell us to stay home because she is going to bring us out for an advance birthday dinner for Sister!

Lil Gal was so excited and keep asking when are we going out. And keep coming to my sister's room and singing Happy Bithday. Sis weren't too happy because her birthday was on Tuesday and this girl have sung the birthday song for the 832nd time....

I thought we were going to JB because we usually celebrate birthdays and have dinner over the causeway. And I saw dad writing the white cards.

But we were not.

Dad bought his fishing rods and I was like HEH? AIYA! Fishing?? I am working tomorrow lei!!

We drove to Pasir Ris Fishing Pond. I was like HEH? Pond? so rich ah?
But note to self, I should let him fish there one day since he was so fascinated with the place and the catch there.

with a dress I bought for her...

I thought we were having Arnolds. Again. We just had Arnolds two weeks ago!!!

I was wrong again. We had SEAFOOODDDD! JYEAHH!

We had the normals, Hotplate Beancurd. 2.5 stars out of 5. My fav is still at Istanbul.

KangKong Belacan. 2.5/5 it didnt suck but I had better..

FRIED BABEEH SQUID. MUSTMUST HAVE! 3.5 out of 5. additional 0.5 stars because we finished it up.

Chili Crab 4/5 stars. BECAUSE IT WAS FLESH FLESH FLESH FLESH. Crab eggs too. Not that I eat the eggs.... The gravy was so-so but the FLESH was so much!

Egg for girl. Seven dollars for this eh. -1 because of that

Sambal belacan was 5/5! IT WAS POWERKEDEBAK!

Then we watched people fish and prawning. I was afraid to take out my phone because this butter-fingers might drop it into the water... EARGH!

Then we went to Changi. It was soooo windy. We girls bought ice-cream (dessert, i told Mother) Too windy to fish.

So we move to East Coast.

Dad asked where was the jetty. Silly bought me once but it was too dark, I couldnt recall where the jetty was!! We ended up at Carpark C, further from Mcd, at another "jetty". There were only two other people fishing.

Thing about fishing is that I do like tenting and the bonding. But I have never bothered to learn how to.

When we were younger, all of us use to go out and camp at the different beaches while my father, Cik Zul and Cik Jai fished. Most of us were girls, but wani, iqah, adeq and I had our turns casting. My father back then drove lorries, so it was huge enough for everyone and our things.

Those were the days. :)

Being a fanatic fisherman, I suppose he wanted his grandchildren to LOVE the sea as much as he did. We all love the beach and the sea but fishing is not my thing. I have no patience. Sis on the other hand, do enjoy fishing. Mom learned how to fish too but it was just to pass time being beside dad.

They cast two rods and then we slacked around. The kids, us (plus me) played with worms. Mom blast her song from her mp3. AND SHOCK, songs like Deja vu - Beyonce and Bad Romance - Lady Gaga was in her playlist!

Mother let the girl throw some worms in the sea.. so the worms would finish fast and we could GO HOME LOR. HAHAHA. Father was a bit annoyed because that was money. He said next time, we would just buy worm and let the girl throw it in a pond.... LOL

Lil Gal needed to pee so i bought her to the nearest drain and being too preoccupied with her needing to pee and being too shy, i forgot to pray and we walked off. WHICH was a bad idea... story later...

The most exciting part is, of course, getting a bite! Mother noticed the rod was moving so she went to reel it in. Then she said she felt a bite. In between trying to reel the line, she accidently punched dad, poked my daughter and keep saying, "I THINK ITS STUCK IN BETWEEN ROCKS!"

In the end, dad reel in and TADA! CATFISH!

Small but CATFISH!!

(somewhere in me sang out the CATDOG theme song)

Catfish had 3 deadly thorns so dad cut it off.. but it was a lil too dark, he accidently poked himself and he bled!!

We sat around some more.

wearing nana's jacket

HEHEH. can fit ok

After enough whining from me and Mother who need to pee, they cast one last one. Sis passed off a remark saying that the last one will surely get a fish.

She was right. We got another fish!!

Mother finally convinced father that that we should go home. we packed up and my cigarette box fell out and dad relax only say, "oi, your box of smokes fell" (Kotak asap kau tu jatuh) HEHE

Feeling good that we got 2 fishes in 3 hours, I was teaching the girl to say Alhamdulilah.

Mom and dad got ahead of us.. Along the way we were chit-chatting and Lil gal was feeling hyper about getting fishes.

SUDDENLY, in between talking she was looking at the trees and her face expression changed.

Quickly told her to look at the ground.

"Ma. Nana scared.."

This mother turned pale. Sister noticed that lil gal have been looking at the trees too and quickly distract her.

She wanted to point at something but we stop her and both Gal and Sis start a game of avoiding cracks on the ground.

Less than 5 minutes into that game, Nana looked up again and then she said, "It's gone....."

Pale again....

Both of them continued jumping around avoiding cracks.
I text mom that Nana saw something. I didnt want to say it out loud...

We reached the car and mom asked me how sure I was. Nana can make up stories. I said I was sure because Nana keep insisting to look at the trees and her face changed.

In the car, mom told dad.

Dad in a joking voice asked Nana what she saw.

LITERALLY ASKED HER, "Nana nampak ape tadi kat pokok?"

I wouldnt lor.... Im a scardy-cat.. I dont think its wise either to ask about something she almost have forgotten.

She answered quickly! "Nana nampak.. ade orang kat atas. Dia nye kening ngn rambut panjang colour white. Pastu dia angry dgn nana. Pastu mcm cloudy-cloudy gitu."

I was hyperventilating and thanking God I didnt look up. If I did, I was the one having high fever or worst still fainted.

Then I recalled that she peed at the drains! Maybe something wasnt happy with my girl!! *PALE

But throughout the journey home, she was very jolly. She wanted to sleep on my lap but then change her mind and laid on sis's lap instead.

Sis asked is it because I only had bones and it was uncomfortable...

Nana nodded and said, "Mama takde babat. Adik ade. Jadi nana baring sini laa. Adik mcm katil. Best."
HAHAHAHHA.

Came home we washed up and went to bed. I asked the girl again if she was ok. Then she said, "Nana tanak tido ngn mama. Nak tido ngn nenek. Dia masih angry ngn mama."

PALE.

Made sister sleep with me. But in the end I totally forgot about it because was too busy chatting with the Silly boy and fell asleep at 2am. :)

HM! I wonder what we would do for my birthday! Should I be the one paying or just let them pamper me?? TEEHEE!

:-/

2010-01-19T22:47:00.002+08:00

When I have the time to blog, I have nothing to blog about.

I have my sister's advance birthday dinner and fishing trip to tell u bout but I am sooo tired..

I have tons of picture from the trip to upload but I have no time to do it. Surprisingly. When I am always so fast in uploading pictures.

I am going to sleep early tonight.

The Girls invite me for a drink tomorrow night. I. dont. feel. like. it.

There is something..... some things that makes me feel out-of-place sometimes with them.

Odd.

Then again, I can't ditch my friends. I have vowed not to be so selfish and think only about what I should be getting, what I want, how I should be treated. And come on, I can only name one person who isn't my cousin and isn't working with me who is a friend. A good friend at that. And this person, she know me better.
Some things should change and knitting a close relations with friends, old friends at that, should be one of it.

BAH. REALLY. EARGH.

Oh yes. Grandmother seem to be okay with me changing jobs. Only hoped that if ever mom's and my night shift clash, hopefully Lil Gal is fine with sleeping over there. Either that or sis, iqah or wanie could help with babysitting. (would u, girls?) which would also be quite unlikely because Lil Gal gets real hyper and excited being with her aunties. And all three of them would have high blood pressure if the Gal doesnt sleep and still wanna play..

I am pretty content with Silly.
Yeah, yeah. I know I should go hang myself for all those things I said.

But you can't stay mad at someone who makes you laugh.

I don't call him Silly for nothing.
Well of course, firstly, he doesn't and wouldn't like the "publicity". (loads gun)
Secondly, he is not my boyfriend therefore he has no name. (shoots self)
Thirdly, he is silly. :)

He is one of the reasons of my smile. HEE.

so much for no time to blog. I manage to type out an entry here.. -___________-

Till I find my energy pack to upload the pictures, good night you all.

Might lose sex-esteem

2010-01-16T23:47:00.002+08:00

HEYYO.

another week has past that means I am getting nearer to CHANGES.

GASP. so fucking nervous.

besides all that drama at work, everything else has been mundane.

Pic taken with the part-timers.. ;)

From left to right: Ayu, Vivi, Is, Me, Lenny, Matt, Rose and Riris.
Sadly a day after this picture was taken, it was Lenny, Is and Sumathi's last day.

"20+ black birds sitting on a tree, two's flying away, three got shot down and the rest of the birds are afraid.........."

Real exhausting and I wish the office was much calmer. But I wasn't going to stay so whatever happens, somehow it doesnt affect me anymore. Anything I had, would be just because of my emotions. But I do feel that I am being selfish by thinking this way, after all they have been my team-mates too...

THAT THOUGHT WILL STOP THERE. its my weekend and i dont want to think about that (darn) place.

The folks really wanna fatten me up lor.. We call 3-4pm: FEEDING TIME.
(at home 4pm is NAP TIME. MAKAI illa, badan watchout siak)

Friday, I followed Mai and Iris to PS. It have been awhile since I joined them for lunch. They didnt want to have proper lunch BUT I NEED FOOD. So we stop by at CHIPPY'S!!!!!!!!!

EVERYTHING ON THE MENU IS YUMMEKEBAAAK!!!!

I bought chix.. but wished I had gotten the Dog instead. The girls evil-eyed my chix all the way. Before we head back to the office, they decide to get the fish..!! HAHAHA. FEEL SO FUCKING FAT LOR AFTER ALL THAT FRIED OILY FOOD!
It tasted bit different but <3 style="text-align: center;">

Camwhore before heading home on friday. Lawa-lawa tapi balik. HAHAHA. My eyes is still sore kthanks. But Yusof has given me his eye med and it is slowly getting better. THANKS YUSYUS!!!!

Iqah and Wani dropped by today.

and forever, wani teased her till she cried. AND STILL the girl adores her to the max.

After that I cooked lunch for two of us but tikus-tikus semua bangun, jadi share ramai. I feel bit bad that I only cooked for two. BUT AT LEAST IT FINISHED!

The girl had a PARTY with my phone!!! and I freaked out when she send photos to MY FB using the phone. So Wifi has to be switched on at home.................

self-timer seiii

zomg the hair

then i joined in

THATS ALLL!

2010-01-14T22:50:00.002+08:00

Why should I feel the hurt of not being needed?
My heart has not been in the right place for way before this.

I saw the signs. I am afraid of changes but yet I took the risk. I have been emotionally attached to the place, to the people. Like I said, it hadn't been easy. But I saw the flashing lights of Danger and no way I would stay to get hit by Danger itself.
I swerved to fall into dirt. I was afraid. I escaped Danger but I was lost.

They said I got lucky. Yes, I agree. That is the reason of my smile. Not for Victory but that I found a little seed that I would be able to plant and let it grow. To a tree that I visioned a year ago.

That's just pure luck.

You have not only been a mentor but a friend. I have no hatred for you.

I have eyes to see.
I have ears that listen.
But let my heart decide for what I want to believe..

I thought long n hard last night and you have a point. It was your place. You HAD to do it.

But why this way?

You have listen to my constant laughter, my blonde moments; quoting you: You were like the husband coming back from work and listening to the wife telling about what the kids have been up to.. Because you have always listened to what Nana have been up to. You were there and have always been understanding when I get too emotional.
Remember all the Youtube videos you shared that u know i would like? They r on my Favourites.
You were one of the people in my life who gave your hand to guide me out of darkness, be it my personal life or in between our walls.

It sadden me that all of us has torn apart. Yet the rest has come closer against something else.

So this is politics. I am young, naive and caught up in my own little bubble... I may have never notice the change until all the evil whispers started it. That is how it is. I imagine the world oh so perfect beyond my own little bubble. My mess is mine but never have I thought there was a war beyond my bubble. So this is it..

I came in peace so I will leave in peace.

I have envisioned my last day being of nothing but exchanging all the good memories we all have shared. But even if it didnt happen the way i imagined, whatever I had in those 2 years there is etched in my mind.....

QUOTE MANIA~

2010-01-14T12:19:00.001+08:00

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...

...and you finish off as an orgasm."

-George Carlin

I am in quote craze!! HAHAH. so watch out for more of quotes!!

you can actually check out a neater version of the quotes at http://cough-sneezee.tumblr.com

or as usually in twitter...

CHEER UP FOLKS, weekends are almost here...

♥ illa sneeze ♥

I dont want no paper gangsta, Wont sign no monkey papers. I dont do funny business, not interested in fakers.

Horoscope: 12 Januar 2010

2010-01-12T11:05:00.000+08:00

You're the most impulsive fire sign of them all -- which is saying something. So it's really not tough to distract you, especially when you're doing something that you'd really rather not do. At the moment, however, you will only stop working if you're dragged, kicking and screaming, from your workplace. Try to keep in mind that even though you're obsessed with your current project, there are people who'd love to see you -- just for a little while.

HAI! Senangnya dalam hati~~~

I gotta get this annoying and rather inappropriate song outta my head before I walk around my office singing it loud!

OPPS.

But believe me, I have always been loud and rude. Only some people might get offended because bak pekata nenek moyang aku, hang yang makan chili, hang la yang terasa pedas. ;)

BUSY KEPE

2010-01-12T01:23:00.006+08:00

GREAT.

My muse was just beside me and then I accidentally unplugged Netty.. -___-

I feel like it has been ages since I blogged. MUAHAHAHA.

I have been busy. Busier than I have been in months.
ok, abit exaggerating. because the last few months of 09 have been rather... eventful. or event full. shall stop..

One thing for sureeeee, my first week of January has been WONDERFUL!!

I can't say that I am happy but I am pleasantly content!! (RIGHT, so illa.... what exactly is happy?)

I promised pictures didnt I? My phone is awesomeee.. HAHAHA.

This is Lil Gal in class. I was drinking Milo and taking this pic with one hand.. Therefore shakey. CUTE KAN! SEMPAT POSE!
I had to keep hand-signaling her to pay attention to her teacher, stop waving at me, no-i-cannot-hear-you-NO-PLEASE-DO-NOT-SHOUT-SHH-LOOK-IN-FRONT.

Remind self, do not be so kiasu and peep in the children's classroom. Because shortly after that, Lil Gal begin to tell her classmates that is her mummy and mummy had to wave wave, he he... -___-

Still peeping, I saw her teacher begin to show flash cards and the kids, I suppose was excited because it was almost time to go home.. If I was the teacher, I would have roared, "IF NO BODY GETS THIS FLASHCARD RIGHT, NO BODY IS GOING HOME!"

But the most proudest moment was that at every flashcard the teacher showed, Lil Gal was among the few ones to respond quickly! SERIOUS! I am not boasting (ok I am. BEAM BEAM)
SO it was a card that says, CLAP. Nana clapped.
Then Blink, I could see her blinking.
Then it was KISSES. AND the cheeky girl start giving flying kiss.. while 80% of the kids had ants in their pants......

Soon they were dismissed (FINALLY!) and as we walked home, I asked her few stuff and she told me that her artwork was thrown by one kid.
The conversation was confusing and hilarious. I was asking her, "So do you know who threw it?"
"No. Do you?"
"No, I don't. Why didnt you ask your friends if any of them threw it?"
"I already told her not to throw, but she still threw it.."
"So, you knew who threw?"
"How come you know who threw?"
"Who threw your art work?"
"Erm. I don't know."

It went on for awhile before I decided it wasnt going anywhere. So i asked her if she told her friends just now that was her Mama at the window. She nodded, "A'ah. Nana bilang dorang that is my mummy. Jadi kalau lain kali dorang nampak dorang tahu that is my mummy. Jadi lain kali dorang tak fikir mama ni.... orang.. bodoh ke hape ke...."

-_______-
Of course I reprimand her for saying orang bodoh. But if you think back at what she just said, make you sweat blood laa.....

I really think she look awfully like me like this. HAHAHA. This used to be Shades. This use to belong to my sister. For 20 years, it was in fine condition. until Lil Gal hold it. Father had to use a screwdriver (the only thing he could reach while driving) to smash it and almost lost control of the wheels!!

We had a picnic on sunday because it was syura's birthday. Had tons of fun with the girls. My girls are crazy and wild bunch.

The Girls: Hab, Syura, Me, Amy and Hanah

There are 200 pics from two cameras so i most prolly die before i finish uploading them in my blog. but this are the fews dan yg last tu memang sengaje letak... HAHAHAKOPIKATAIHAHAHA

Oh yes.. Random pics from hp...

RWS is almost ready!!!

$6/entry for cars.. FAINTED.
THIS IS SHREK'S FAR FAR AWAY CASTLE!!! AWESOME LA SEI! I could see the street where Shrek was. (Gee.. after so many repeats of the movie i cant recall a scene of which the street was in. BUT IT WAS THERE OK! I am absolutely positive its the street)
my supposingly orgasmic kway teow which Hab cursed because I didnt went for dinner with her. It was orgasmic when she bought it!!! REALLY! How come dishes tastes better when its not yours? *pout I still wanted the prawn on your plate. HAHAHA.

My face super white because i put 8 tube of concealer to conceal my eye luggages and eye sore.. Which didnt work and turned out like this. AND that is a bruise due to Amy's smaarrrt cycling when she was very merry. We almost hit an angmoh.. but after a few metres, Amy apparently was still trying to save me from falling and then........ skidded la geng. I rolled on the grass but she had a bad fall with her shoulders and hands scared. Poor girl.. I still love you, mymi.. HEHE

OK I AM SO DONE HERE. K penat. Bye

TC

2010-01-08T20:56:00.007+08:00

It might be too early to post something so nostalgic as this.
I still have 3 more weeks to serve...........

But I can't help myself. I've been coming to work with a different outlook. I still drag my ass out of bed every morning but as soon as I reach to our building, everywhere I turn, there were flashbacks.

I still remember it as it was yesterday...

I was struggling to get a job. This was in late 2007, after my separation with the exhole. Grandmother suggested to go to CDC and applied for job help, so I did.
I went for a couple of interview and even a small test with the CDC.

One fine day, they SMS me to let me know about walk-in interviews.. I actually went to find out if it was more convenient to take the train or the bus there.
I woke up early, dressed and went off.

The bus journey was shorter and would stop directly infront of the building. Although I had to change buses.

Of course, this silly girl got lost. I panic and called my sister to guide me on the phone.
Eventually I reached there exactly at noon.

The place was full with interviewees. I filled in the application form with an open mind. I saw the staff laughing and smiling. I remember clearly it was Valentine's. I had no date and here I was going for an interview and most of the staff were wearing Red.

I left the place without thinking that I might get the job. The interview was ok. I didnt have any experience anywhere else except for the short stints being in admin and in Oishi.

I met Huda after that interview.

And this was the picture taken by her. I'm not just picking any picture and claim it to be it. But this was it. I remember it so clearly. You could go back to Xanga and search for it. I had to log in to Friendster to dig this pic up.

A week later, I received a call from them to come down for a 2nd Interview. And on the 20th of February, I started my first day.. Along with 8 other people, one of them was Abg Hamsani and Nuraini who I met at the 1st interview.

We were allocated to the specific services which seem more suitable to our experience. There, I met the STM team. With Mega and Rudin as my Team Leader. The people in the team was friendly and by the end of the week, they knew my name.

At the last friday of every month, they had a makan-makan thing where the Best Team, Best CSR, Best TL and Compliments awards are given out. And of course, birthday announcement for the birthday babies the upcoming month. So it was february, they announced the March babies. And shockingly, they called up my name. I was new but yet they still called me out to blow the candles along with the other March Babies.

I was very comfortable and happy there. The colleagues were wonderful and I kinda like what I was doing. It was customer service and best of all I don't have to face them.

Being there I had goals, I was motivated to get the Best CSR award, at least one compliment and perhaps, be a Team Leader and lead my own team.

But first and foremost, I had to get the Full-Time position. It took awhile and my lateness was an issue. Being in a call-centre, you can't even be a minute late. If I start work at 9am, I have to be there SHARP. 9:01am is already late.

I got the Full-Time position, a better pay than my previous other jobs, health benefits and such. I made new friends as well.

To cut it short, I have been there to see two TL to go, trained for 4 other services, send for training to do admin, did admin work for a short while to assist my TL and was send to trained at the client's site for product knowledge first hand. Trained a few fresh part-timers, namely here, Joshua..
Two birthdays, two Christmas celebration, tasted two bonuses, plenty of other memorable occasions..

Best dressed for Go-Green Day. Just because I had a flower and the both of us had the most vote due to the reason we had the biggest team. :)

Racial Harmony Day

Halloween! I won best dressed again. HAHA. SEMANGAT IKNOW!

Xmas 08

Silly pranks like this...

They have seen me from short hair, to red hair, to extensions, to the pixie haircut and now growing my hair long... They have helped me out so much in terms of how understanding about me going through a divorce, Nuryna being hospitalized and Nuryna going to school. My being in and out of a so-called relationship, knowing that if i spray bit more perfume after work, I had a date and such!

I did reach one goal, I got a compliment. And it wasnt from my customers, it was from the client.

It have been a wonderful two years with them. It was the most COLDEST office ever but with the most warm and fun colleagues whether in my Team or with the other Teams.

On the 30th December, with a heavy heart, I slowly typed out a resignation letter and print it out. Thinking for the 800th time if this was the correct decision. I have my own reasons and the working environment has only 30% to do with my decision.

While waiting for the rest to go out for lunch (in a flash, believe me), I made a big round to Mega, my first TL. With shaking hands and my heart beating so fast, I hand it over to her with a sad smile. I told her, "I am so sorry, Mega. I have no envelopes for this... But I have made up my mind," trying to stop my tears from falling, I handed in my resignation...............

I ended up crying and hugging Mega in the end anyway... Heh.
That was how attached I was with the company and with the people there. I told her not to tell anyone yet. I came back to work today, everyone already knew.... -____-

I cleaned my pedestal today and it was quicker than I imagined...

Having the new phone with me, I decided to take some pictures of the process..

the call master with a sticker spelling out iLLa. a "graffiti" Mai drew and coloured with her markers. Kak Zaliha's Xmas card. (because our seats are not really permanent.. but most days this is where I am seated) A notepad stuck there so I could write things like, "DONT FORGET TO BRING CHARGER HOME!"
the messy side. with my mini dustbin, left by one of the part-timers. and since I am such a sloth and the dustin-bin was so far away, its MINE NOW! HAHA.
my current desktop picture. with a picture of INQ Chat. Because I wanted to get it. THEN i bought the W995 instead. HEE.

NOTEBOOKS! NOTES! EARGH!!
a photocopy on monthly schedule. which I write things like when i was on MC, late, on leave, went out with whom, installations dates that are not available, birthdays, appointments.. etc...
a cheap pink umbrella bought at 7eleven, just in case of rain lets say during lunch and we really want to go to PS or Concorde. Or lets say I need to rush home and its raining heavily. Of course my shoe. LUCKY I bought the rest of my shoes home months ago.. I use to have 3 pairs under my table.

cardigans, gloves, sweater, long sleeves shirt, syura's shawl. SWEAR TO GOD, it's that cold.. so it has always been in my pedestal.
half of the things in my pedestal belonged to syura.. -___- and she quitted a year ago ok... so i busy woman today dgn plastic full of her things so i could hand it over to her on Sunday...

I will miss doing stats update in the morning...... I LOVE THIS PICTURE BY THE WAY
smoke breaks at the carpark... muka burok but ive been to work with no makeup 60% of the time in 2009...

the mute button is the one lighted. HAHA. my best friend tat button..
books and magazines. which arent suppose to be read. BUT THE MAGS WERE FREE!
stationaries and what-nots

er. all the bimbo stuff.. mirrors, comb, eye-drop, a dry nail polish, body spray....
phone always below my PC. thats why i am very fast in replying texts, twittering laa, msn laa....
thumbprint excess.. HAHA. this is one of the thing they didnt have when i first joined in..
bloody circular staircase which I have ran up in a rush to clock in.. always made me dizzy..

My gosh.. i feel so drained out after this entry... Very sad...
Told my colleagues to keep the Goodbye till my last week. but they are already giving me sad looks and passing comments like, "We going to miss your nonsense. Your laughter..."

Well.. Yeah. :] I will never forget TC..