Excuse me, this is MY diary

oh for fuck sake, I dont know when I am going to finish blogging about KL. ITS THE UPLOADING that pisses me off.

I'm actually feeling grumpy. Scrolling Facebook and going, "bitch. Who cares. WTF. Whatever. So what. Whiner." Didn't make me feel better but the thoughts that this people don't know what I was saying made me smile.

I guess I probably have to let this out...
I need to find a new job.
I wanted a better pay to support myself and Nuryna. But I have no time for her nowadays and it is eating me up. She can only read with help, still using her pampers at night and struggling with spelling.

STRUGGLING.
Oh how that word stabbed me so hard. Mom went to tell me that she isn't coping in school and she needs my attention. She is not paying attention in class and often day-dreaming away.

Do you know how i felt when I am told this? You might as well slap me hard on the face.
I am told that I am not doing my job as a mother, is that it? It is it, isn't it? What else could it be?

Do not compare my child with any other children but every other parent WANTS their child to be the best.
And I feel that I am not doing my part.

I asked Mom if I should find a new job and she thought I was being rude and sarcastic to her. I am asking for her opinion and she went, "There are many parents out there who works shift and still spend time with their children. I am not asking you to quit your job, I am letting you know that she needs your attention."

I feel trapped.
With work being so busy and low on manpower (is that my problem?) I feel obligated to.. work. It is a job. But being at work and my god, the travelling, I come home tired and late, whatever time is there left?

So I concluded, I have to sacrifice my job. I dont want to mess up my daughter's future because of a job, I don't want that to happen.

Still pondering if I should wait till year end, if I wait till year end, I might as well wait for the bonuses to kick which wont be till March (MARCH!! WALAO) Would that be too late??

Because of all this thoughts rolling in my head, I have a heavy heart to work.
EARGH to interviews and job searching. What do I want to work as? Obviously something office hours. And a good pay because next year, its school fees, child-care fees and what-nots.

Child-care support my fucking ass, he cant even support himself. I.. eargh.

Talk about the ex-husband... Since raya is around the corner, I have begun spring cleaning my room and found a picture of him. I tore it away and Nuryna asked WHY. Told her, he is not here anymore why should we keep. She gave me a sad face.

Afterwards, she found OLD pictures of when I was 16 and just dating her father. She showed me and asked me if she should tear it.
What the fuck am I showing to her?
Even IF this was "teaching" her to hate her father, deep deep in her, she loves him very much. In her eyes, her father hasn't done anything wrong. Only to make me unhappy.

Eversince the last time she saw him, she couldn't stop bringing little small conversation they shared. With joy in her voice.
It hurt me to hear how much she enjoyed being with her father (U ARE SUPPOSE TO BE TEAM MAMA!) but for obvious reasons, i just smiled and nodded when she talks about it.

It was TWO DAYS and everything her father said etched nicely in her head into a perfect father picture. Oh, her papa loved her mama so much but they can't be friends anymore. Why, she would never get it but had to accept it as it is.

She didnt know HOW GOD DAMN WORRIED I WAS when he didnt return her on time. While he was sleeping away and not answering my phone calls about my daughter's whereabouts, I was hysteric. I may have over reacted but people don't know what Burn can and is capable of doing.

In her eyes, Burn would never hurt her. She doesn't know that Burn is capable of hurting her because I hurt him. It happened before, why wouldnt it happen again.

Do not trust him. Do not trust him. Do not trust him.

I am an adult. And how am I going to tell my daughter all this without being the bad parent???

When this is going to end, God knows.



I am muttering shit, aren't I? I said too much?




bah.